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The first time Haruka sees Asuka outside of on a poster or in a local news article in three years, it's at Uji Station and it almost feels like they're back in high school, waiting for the train to take them on some weekend outing.
But Haruka is there with Kaori, on the way home from dinner, and Asuka is there with a suitcase behind her, obviously having just returned from abroad. She's wearing the kind of jacket that is more fashionable in Europe than in their little town outside of Kyoto, and she's got headphones in, but the hair and the glasses are unmistakable, both to Haruka and now to her small group of international fans: this was Asuka's brand.
Haruka elbows Kaori gently and points, and Kaori, who had been distracted all evening with a problem she's been dealing with at work, immediately perks up. "Asuka-san!" she calls, and when Asuka doesn't turn, perhaps because of the headphones, Kaori pulls away from Haruka to circumvent her before the turnstiles. And this is how it has been for as long as Haruka can remember, really. Kaori always dotes on Asuka first, always has to make sure Asuka is fine, as if she can't take care of herself. And Haruka realizes that even now, fully grown, she hasn't gotten over this petty jealousy.
Finally, Asuka sees Kaori and stops, pulling out her headphones and draping them around her neck where they blend into her silky black hair. "Kaori, wow, I really am home!" and she smiles so brilliantly that Haruka would have melted had she been a stranger, and not known that this is how Asuka is, this is the show she puts on every time.
"Welcome back! Haruka is here, too," Kaori says, glancing in Haruka's direction, and she has no choice but to join the other two. "Are you in town for long?"
Asuka shrugs. "Not sure yet. A few weeks, at least."
"That's great! We'll be able to see you plenty, then," Kaori says. "Do you need a place to stay?" she offers, before Haruka can stop her.
But Asuka shakes her head, her smile still too wide, too placating. Now that Haruka knows her, it's so obviously fake that it's insulting. She wants to say something, but she knows Kaori would be upset. "No, thank you," Asuka says. "I'll be staying at my mom's." I won't cause anyone trouble.
This, at least, is strange. Haruka knew Asuka and her mother did not get along. This actually makes her want to invite Asuka herself, but Asuka is already excusing herself, saying something about not having eaten in hours, and dashing away. Kaori says goodbye, promising to text her in the morning.
They walk home slowly, and Kaori's outward politeness falls away to her more introspective consideration. "She seemed flustered," she says.
Haruka tries to remember where Asuka was working last. Singapore? London? Budapest? It was impossible to keep track, worse when she wouldn't answer their messages. "I wonder if she's in bad standing with her orchestra," she says.
Kaori shakes her head. "That seems almost impossible. I mean, it's Asuka."
And really, what else was there to say? Asuka is special, as much as Haruka had debated that over the years. Insanely hardworking, dedicated to a fault, but there was a sparkle to her, too. Specialness. She was recruited to audition overseas. She left the country for her dream to play in an orchestra. She left them behind for that dream.
"I'm surprised she's going back to her mom's house," Haruka says, choosing to change the subject.
Kaori nods, thinking on this another minute. "She's never been one to tell us things." She slips her hand into Haruka's and they finish the walk in silence, leaving Haruka to wonder if things would have been better if she pretended not to notice Asuka arriving in the first place.
The next morning, Haruka sees Kaori off to work and walks the few blocks to her own job. Kaori works at the local primary school, and Haruka at the municipal hospital. Kaori has shorter hours than she does, though, and is an assistant with the Kitauji Concert Band still.
At work, her shift is busy, and Haruka spends most of the morning helping her patients prepare for procedures, adjusting lines and tubes, checking vitals, and giving report to the doctors and they come around. She's surprised to see Aoi come by. She was one of the few classmates who remained in Uji — most moved to Kyoto or even to Tokyo — and she was visiting a relative who was on Haruka's ward getting treatment for a persistent infection.
"Haruka, thank you for taking care of my aunt," she says, meeting Haruka in the hall and closing the door behind her. She's dressed sharply, in the uniform she wears to her job at the bank, but she doesn't look rushed. "It's good to see you."
Haruka nods. "Of course. Your aunt is very sweet, and I'm glad to see you too." And then, because she can't help herself, she asks, "Did you hear Asuka is back in town?"
"Tanaka-san?" Aoi asks. Her hair is in a bun now, and she's older, but she's much the same as she was in high school, calm, dedicated to her work, and thoughtful. Haruka nods, and Aoi shakes her head. "No, I haven't. I wonder if her mother is alright."
It's hard for Haruka to spare a concern for the woman who told Asuka she wished she wasn't born, but her curiosity outweighs this for now. "Why? Was she sick?"
Aoi lowers her voice, turning to face Haruka. She nods. "I think so. She was at the bank quite a lot this past year, and she never looked well."
Haruka sighs, taking this in. She chats with Aoi for a while longer, but eventually is called away to help with another patient. By the time her shift ends, the sun is low in the sky. She meets Kaori, as usual, at the coffee shop across from the high school. She helps with the brass section of the concert band, and enjoys the work, but Haruka doesn't have the time or the energy to do the same.
She sees Kaori before Kaori sees her. Kaori's gained a little weight in the past few years — her face is rounder, her arms and legs a little softer in appearance. It suits her, Haruka thinks. It brings out the prettiness of her features, and makes her even more comfortable to cuddle with. Now, she's wearing a gray skirt and a yellow sleeveless sweater, her work bag with her change of clothes heavy on her shoulder. It's late spring, the weather is nice enough for them to wear their summer wardrobes.
Kaori smiles as she sees Haruka, the mole on her cheek raising a bit as her smile moves through her whole face. "How was work?" she asks, coming to sit on the patio table beside Haruka.
Haruka shrugs. "Same as usual. I did see Aoi."
"I texted Asuka. She didn't write back."
Same as usual, thinks Haruka, but keeps the comment to herself. She waits as Kaori goes to the counter to order a tea, leaving behind her bag and umbrella. Asuka never writes them, well, never writes Kaori. Haruka never even tries. In college, all three of them had been roommates, which gradually grew into something more intimate, though they dared not name it. And then, when Asuka left, it was just Kaori and Haruka, just them as a couple, and Asuka was gone, like a hole gouged from their side. But more and more, she wonders if it had always been them as a couple, if she'd imagined Asuka was a part of it at all. Because Asuka never answered Kaori's texts or calls. Asuka never came back even to visit, or if she did, she never said she was in town. She just left, that that was it.
"I think maybe we should stop over there, we could bring dinner," Kaori says as she sits back down with her drink. Instantly Haruka knows she means Asuka's house, and instantly she's wary.
"I don't want to impose," she says. It's funny, how looking at the two of them, it seems that Kaori is more reticent, or Haruka might be bolder. But when it comes to Asuka, the tables are turned. Asuka has a way of making Kaori so daring, and making Haruka feel completely inadequate. It's one of the reasons she never tried as hard as Kaori when Asuka left. Because she finally felt like she could stop sprinting and take a breath.
But Kaori is different than she is, Kaori is drawn to Asuka like a moth to a flame, always trying to pull Asuka back into their orbit. And Haruka cannot be left behind, so she goes too, hand in hand with Kaori to pick up food that they walk over to Asuka's mother's house. She knows the way, she's been to the house a few times, but not often. Asuka preferred to go to their houses, or meet at a restaurant, but to be honest, Asuka preferred to see them at school. In high school, she rode her bike to school and rode it home, eliminating the chance they could walk together.
Back when they lived together, in college, Asuka was like that too. She took different classes, had a different schedule, and seemed to purposely avert their attempts to meet up and come and go together. Not that Kaori could be deterred.
Now, the house is quiet as they come upon it. A light is on over the entryway, but there is no indication of life inside. Haruka wonders if Asuka has gone out, if her mother is working late, or at some medical appointment. Kaori knocks, waiting the bag of takeout held in her free hand.
After a moment, Asuka comes to the door. She's in shorts and a T-shirt, her hair in a ponytail. At the station, at a glance, she had looked like her mother, but now the resemblance is gone. "Oh! Kaori! Haruka! Come in!"
Asuka is as bubbly as ever, and they kick off their shoes and walk inside. The patent leather high heels Haruka remembers Asuka's mother always wearing are absent from the entryway. "Is your mother out?" she asks, following Kaori inside, where she's already setting up dinner on the table.
"We brought kimchi stew," Kaori says, "And side dishes."
Asuka reaches into a tall cabinet for glasses, and Haruka looks into the next room off the kitchen to see various boxes, shelves half taken down, and a mess of piles somewhat organized into books, papers, and other assortments. She gets a foreboding feeling. "Oh, no," Asuka answers belatedly, opening a bottle of barley tea, "My mother is dead."
Kaori drops the serving spoon she was holding, and Haruka almost chokes on her saliva. Asuka had said this so casually that Haruka wonders if she's misheard. "Asuka…"
Asuka pours the tea then sits, gesturing for them to do the same. Kaori puts the spoon in the sink and grabs another, coming to sit and pulling her chair out with a dull scrape. "Asuka… what happened?" she asks, her hand trembling as she places the new spoon into the stew.
Asuka shrugs, even here, a light smile on her face, not in enjoyment exactly, but as if she needs to put them at ease. "She was sick, for a while. She finally passed about two weeks ago. I'm here to take care of the estate."
Haruka hears her teeth click as she goes to ask a question then thinks better of it. She's not even sure which she wanted to ask: what illness her mother had, where her dad was, if she missed the burial. They all seem like bad places to lead the conversation, and Asuka is never forthcoming, even on light topics.
"That's a lot of responsibility," Kaori says, recovering slightly. She begins serving them all, first Asuka, then Haruka, then herself.
"It's just my mother and I," Asuka says. "My father left when I was two. He's not going to help with this."
"We can help," Kaori offers, sitting back down from where she had been standing to help serve the food. "Haruka and I can come by on the evenings, and our days off. We can help with packing these boxes, or taking things away, or filing papers, just let us know."
Asuka hums thoughtfully, then picks up her chopsticks. "Thank you for the food," she says, and begins eating, saying nothing more about the topic. Haruka and Kaori join her, and the conversation shifts, to the high school concert band, to Asuka's most recent orchestra in Budapest, to Haruka's shifts at the hospital. It almost feels like it did back in university, almost.
As they walk home together, Kaori lags a bit, and Haruka wonders if she wants to stay with Asuka, but doesn't dare ask. "Do you think she's upset and hiding it?" Kaori asks, after a moment.
Haruka thinks of Asuka's mother, of the small bit she saw of her, and thinks, truthfully, no, that Asuka was probably glad she was dead. But she also thinks that someone like Kaori might not understand that at all. "I don't know," she says, settling on a half answer. "She didn't seem too upset." It's things like this where she wonders if Kaori is a better person than she is, always seeing the best in people, or if that was just naïveté.
"We better get home, we have work early tomorrow," she reminds Kaori.