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Johanna once told Finnick that he is able to resist, that he does not give his complete self to the Capitol. He is a shell, because they want a shell. There is a part of Finnick left in District 4 every year when he comes to the Games. His insides - the gooey stuff that probably contains whatever actually makes him Finnick - well, that was still sitting on a shore in District 4, being watched over by his sisters and Annie Cresta.
Now that she's pointed it out, he can't unsee it. It's hard to look at Johanna, because she brings all of herself everywhere. He can't teach her how to do what he does, doesn't think it's possible for someone like her. He loves that the Johanna he drinks with and the Johanna he sleeps with are the authentic woman, but he worries too, since the Capitol can break even his shell, he can't imagine what it would do to a whole, intact person.
Annie is like that too, in a way. He doesn't think she would totally be able to detach herself, to become the type of person the Capitol demands. But at the same time, she is a Career. She knows more than most about the strain of the arena and is given the media training that the outer districts don't get. Annie is an anomaly - she can feel so vulnerable at times, and yet she is surprisingly strong. She's still in school, so they only spend weekends together while he's home, but it's so refreshing to see her - to see the ocean - to be away from the synthetic party life of the Capitol, where he is a commodity and not a person. But eventually, it's Games season again, and after the reaping, he is on the train back.
His first surprise is Cashmere, who has gotten some sort of plastic surgery to change the shape of her nose and jaw. She was pretty before, but now she's uncanny, almost too beautiful. Just how the Capitol likes it, he thinks. He doesn't blame her - the easiest way of life here is to become what they want, and if they want her to look slightly different, she ought to do it. It will give her more money, better sponsors, less trouble from Snow. But there is a festering there, looking at her, that probably only exists since he met Johanna and Haymitch. The thought that any compliance to the Capitol is innately wrong, that resistance, no matter how small, is correct, so therefore this surgery is also bad.
His next surprise is Johanna. Her hair is cut short, her cheeks are sunken, and she looks like she hasn't seen the sun in months. He looks at Blight, who averts his gaze. He looks at Haymitch, who gives him a pointed stare. He hasn't spoken to Johanna at all during the offseason - she was part of his Capitol life. But now he feels guilty. She is his friend, also.
After the first dinner, they break up into smaller groups to drink and watch the interviews, a Games tradition. Mags tells Finnick she's turning in early, exhausted from the day of travel, and he feels alone, usually by her side at these sort of events. He was friendly with everyone, but close with no one, at least not publicly. Before long, Haymitch sidles up to him, however.
"You look out of your element," he observes.
Finnick is about to turn 19, so he really ought to be able to work alone as a Mentor, but he doesn't feel ready at all. Mags has been by his side this entire time, and when Mags isn't around, he's with Jo, joking around, passing time with bad television, or getting high. "What's wrong with Jo?" he asks. Haymitch's hands are shaking, and he also wants to ask what's wrong with Haymitch, but he doesn't think he can handle it if all three of them are falling apart at the same time.
Haymitch looks surprised. "Shit, I really need a drink," he says, disappearing for a moment, and returning with a drink in each hand. For a moment, Finnick thinks he's going to hand him one, but then Haymitch gulps down the first, and sips the second a little slower. The trembling seems to lessen. "Bad time to think about quitting," he says, a weak attempt at a joke.
Finnick just glares at him.
Haymitch sighs. "Well, I would say it's not my place to tell you, because honestly I'm surprised she didn't tell you, but knowing Johanna, she probably never will." He nods towards the balcony, and they step outside, looking down at a few revelers making their way through the streets. "You should pay a little more attention to her, Finnick, even if you do have your own girl."
"What are you talking about?" Finnick is used to conversations like this in the Capitol, where meaning is gleaned through subtext and vagaries, but he is missing the one important piece of information that will elucidate everything. "What happened?"
"She messed up. Her family was in an accident." Finnick knows Haymitch dare not implicate Snow, even under these private conditions, but this is enough. Now he understands. The dread doesn't recede, however, it just grows stronger. Haymitch's family being murdered was horrifying, but it was over 15 years ago - it felt sort of detached. But the same thing happening to Jo? That is now. That is real. That could have been Finnick's family, or Annie.
He can feel his own hands trembling, and he grabs onto the balcony railing. He feels selfish, horrible, for wanting to stay away from Jo, like she is contagious, like her treason might infect him and put his family in danger. He wants to comfort her, he wants to be a good friend, but he doesn't want anyone to see him doing it. All these thoughts cross his mind in an instant as he processes this information. "When?" he asks.
"Does it matter?"
He spends most of the time in the Mentor's booth or with clients, both because Mags is weaker and needs more rest, and because it's a good reason to avoid Jo. He knows it's cowardly, and he hates himself when he catches her eye in the Mentor's lounge, moreso because he had been taking a break with Cashmere.
He is surprised when she sits down at the 7 booth and puts on the headset, a stark difference from the tall, balding Blight who normally sits in the chair, her fingers tabbing over the dials to switch the views, and switching on and off sponsor calls, talking to them in a sweet, pleasant voice even as her face stays completely neutral, no light at all in her grey eyes.
"Hey, Jo, can I talk to you?" he asks, as she steps out to smoke.
She pushes past him without a reply.
Finally, when he gets a night off, he decides to go see her, unsure if it's to repair their friendship or to ease his conscience, but either way, he finds himself at the 7 apartment door towards 9PM. Jo opens the door, no Avox as is typical for 7, and her eyes darken a bit, but she steps back to let him inside.
She's dressed nicely, not in clothes for the club or a client, but in a pretty sweater and tailored shorts, and he wonders if she was going out to meet someone, though he can't think of anyone else she talks to besides Blight and Haymitch and surely she wasn't going to…
"Blight is at the Mentor booth, so you don't need to be so jumpy."
"Why would I be jumpy around Blight?" he asks.
She cocks her head to the side, as if trying to read him, and then shakes it as if giving up. "Why are you here?"
"I missed you."
"No."
"What?"
He watches her back up, through the darkened apartment, her hands raised in a gesture for him to stay away from her. "No, you don't get to come here and say that!"
"Jo-" he steps forward and then stops, because he sees real fear in her eyes, so he kneels, then sits on the ground, waiting for her to make the next move.
She opens the fridge, pulling out a bottle of wine, and sips it a bit before moving the smallest step closer. He doesn't dare to move. He looks at her legs - they're at his level - all the muscle tone gone, and he wonders what she did all year. Probably just sit around and drink, like Haymitch. There it is again, his thoughts going unbidden to the two of them. Drunks, dead families, Capitol rejects with rebellious spirits. Did he really disapprove of her seeking comfort in Haymitch, or was he just jealous that someone wasn't looking at him all the time?
"Finnick, you don't miss me. You have Annie, you have everyone in the world. I have absolutely nothing."
He really looks at her - all of her now, and sees why Snow would find her a threat. No, shes not beautiful by Capitol standards at all - her jaw is too square, her shoulders too wide, she's not tall enough, her skin and hair are just too common. But in combination, she is Jo, and he's never seen anyone like her. He does think she's beautiful, but she'd never believe the words from his mouth. She is a symbol of what people tired of the Capitol glamours will enjoy: authenticity, honesty, strength of will.
"I do miss you. I need you while I'm here, you keep me sane."
She walks forward, hesitantly, until she's just before him, and like this she finally stands taller than him. She looks down at him, with her hair that awkward short length and her lips wine-stained. He hugs her, his cheek against her hip. "No," she says again. She sounds like she's choking. "You're a leash. And look at me, coming willingly to it."
He doesn't let go, but looks up at her, curious.
"Snow," she whispers. "He will know that I care about you. He will exploit that. Do this or I'll hurt Finnick." Now she's crying openly. "You shouldn't miss me. Because I'm a curse."
He thought he was wise to what a spiderweb it is to walk in the Capitol, but there are so many tangles, he missed a few. He sees now. Without him, Johanna has freedom. With him, she is tethered. Even so, even so, he wants her. He doesn't let go, pulling her to the floor with him.
The next day, in the Mentor's room, Blight 'accidentally' spills coffee all over him.
Finnick spends the rest of the Games in much the same way as before, but now he has a tentative truce with Johanna, and they resume their friendship, including the drinking, including the drugs, and including the sex.
She is different, of course, she feels less, like some part of her died with her family. He can't imagine this version of Johanna provoking Gloss just for fun, or telling him they should take every drug they have in one night. In a way, it's nice to have something more predictable, there's less to worry about. And in another way, there's more to worry about. There's more distance.
"Isn't that how you've always been?" she throws back at him, when he brings this up. They're both naked, tucked under the sheets. "When have you ever given me actual intimacy?"
He wants to say 'yes, but-' that it's ok for him but not for her, not to impose a double standard, but just to say that distance doesn't suit Johanna Mason. But he can't answer her question, and she looks so tired, the same tired he feels creeping up on himself as well, so he knows better than to badger her. He wants to be everything for everyone, he wants to be needed, by her but not only by her, but that comes with his innate desire to fix. He wants her to be better, even though he doesn't know the first thing about grieving the loss of your entire family.
"Sometimes I hate that I met you here," he admits. "And not at home."
"No you don't." She turns on her side, staring him down. "I'm not good for you, Finnick."
She's not good in the Capitol, so he can't really understand what she means. He reaches out to touch her face, to keep her from going away further. "I mean what I said. You make being here bearable. You're probably my best friend."
She looks pained at this, but smiles. She grabs his hand and takes it away from her face, but holds onto it. "Then I'm meant to be here, not in 4."
When Finnick gets back home to 4, he leaves his bag with his sister and jumps directly in the ocean. He sits there, in the waves, for at least 15 minutes, letting them crash against him, letting the salt water fill his mouth, splash into his eyes, soak all of his clothes, tangle his hair. He feels like Johanna shoving the soil into her mouth in the arena, but he's trying to forget the disgusting memories of the Capitol: the sex he was coerced into, the secrets he's now privy to, the children he watched die, unable to do anything to stop them, as Mentor.
When he gets out of the water, finally, Annie is standing on the beach, watching him. He sees his sister and his mother further up on the path, his bag at their feet, chatting. He runs right to Annie, nevermind that he is soaking wet, lifting her up in a hug. "I missed you!"
"I miss you too, Fin."
He eats dinner with his family and Annie, and spends the next day with Annie and her parents, beachcombing. Then a day with his father and brother-in-law, fishing. The days blend together in 4, and he thinks about how nice it is to be home, how the coast always felt like the edge of the world, and now it feels like the furthest he can get from the Capitol, and that's enough.
But it's not perfect, not at all. The sea levels are rising, so more and more of the village needs to be relocated inland, and this means the district itself is shrinking. Plus the temperature of the ocean increasing means the fish are migrating differently, and some just don't spawn like they used to. 4 used to be Careers all the way, and still is, generally, but more and more children are putting in for Tesserae.
He decides to call Johanna, since ignoring her for most of a year last year ended up with him not even recongizing her when she returned. It takes three tries, but eventually she picks up. "Hello?"
"Jo, it's me."
"Finnick? Is everything ok?"
"Yeah, yeah, I just wanted to say hi."
He can hear her sigh, and maybe sit. He tries to picture her, in a cabin in the woods, using imagery he can only barely still picture from his Victory Tour through 7. "What do you do all day?" he asks.
"I don't know. Chop firewood, smoke cigarettes, annoy Blight mostly."
He imagines the two of them, mostly alone out in their Victors Village, and it seems lonely. "Have you talked to Haymitch?"
"Why? Is he ok?"
"I'm sure he's fine. You just reminded me of him for a minute."
Finnick slips back into Mentor mode seamlessly after 11 months of relaxing. What is a month in the Capitol, even entertaining sleazy Capitol clients, if he can return to his family and Annie and the ocean at the end? Johanna is a lesson to him, to walk the line, to protect what is precious to him.
He puts on his mask, becomes the Capitol's Golden Boy again, but he must have taken the wrong step somewhere. Snow must have caught a whiff of him growing close to Annie and wanted to send a message, or else a Capitol tabloid must have spotted him on a date, a sin for the perpetually single and always-on-offer Finnick Odair to be seen with a common woman. Whatever the reason, the message is clear when all of Annie's year except her is caught in a fire in the women's locker room at the Training Academy in 4. No one is killed, but with all the girls getting smoke damage to the lungs, there will be no volunteers among the 18 year olds, he is sure.
Even so, he does not expect them to call Annie's name at the reaping. He wants to, no needs to believe the reaping is random, and Annie never took Tesserae. There's no chance it would be her more than the hundreds of other girls in 4, and yet part of him is not shocked when he hears her name. Since he heard of the fire, some part of him knew this was coming, that the Capitol was forcing him to confront both halves of his life. He can feel Snow here, imagines his cloying scent, telling him that even here, in the furthest coast of Panem, he can reach him. And something is ignited in him. He should be scared. He is scared, panicking, even. But he is also furious.
Annie walks to the stage, only meeting his eyes for a moment. She's unsure if they should tell Panem they're dating, he can tell. She's whisked behind the curtain to say goodbye to her family soon enough. She's been to the training school. She's prepared for this. She perhaps wasn't top of her class, ready to volunteer, but she isn't some poor kid from an outer district, walking into the arena just to be slaughtered. Annie Cresta is strong. And he needs to do his part to get her sponsored.
It isn't until they're on the train - him, Mags, Annie, their escort, Nova, and the boy tribute, Keel, that he realizes the depth of his panic, somehow repressed while the cameras were on. He doesn't want Annie coming to the Capitol. He doesn't want Annie in the Games. There is a 1 in 24 chance of winning the Games, which means she has a 23 in 24 chance of dying before the month was out. He holds her hand tightly as they ride towards the Capitol, deciding it doesn't matter who sees them right now: Snow has already decided to put his love in the arena, to test how much Finnick is willing to give to the Capitol. In exchange, he wants Annie by his side when he's done making deals with the devils.
At the opening ceremonies, he sees Haymitch and two scrawny kids from district 12, as well as Johanna with a brawny boy and a tall, sinewy girl, the tributes dressed rather ridiculously to resemble trees. She catches his eye immediately, the word "Annie?" forming on her lips. "Later," he says back. He sees Augustus Braun parade through with the new 1 tributes. It's been only two years since he won, but he seems to have blended into the Capitol culture just fine. Secretly, Finnick knows he can't be fine, that no one can be fine with this arrangement, but it feels unfair when Haymitch is drinking himself to death and Augustus is wearing a literal golden crown as some sort of the District 1 parade costumes. He doesn't see Cash or Gloss.
Last year's winner, June from District 5 is there, but she's well… she's just the type of person the Capitol probably has no interest in. He isn't sure how to describe it, exactly. It's something to do with her physique, certainly, but also the way she speaks, and also her mannerisms. Something there dissuades interest, and he doubts there will be much demand for her company. He wonders if she has a special talent, if she is a gifted singer or musician or excellent in some parlor game. If so, he's sure they'll demand that from her. Whatever she can offer, they'll want it.
Finnick turns his attention back to Annie, who is beautiful, who is shining and well-spoken, and full of patience and too much empathy. The Capitol would tear her to shreds, he thinks, changing his mind from before. "Is she your friend?" Annie asks, but she's not looking at June, but at Jo. "She is watching you."
"Yeah, she's probably my best friend here." He knows Annie will remember Johanna's Games, and if she didn't she'll have reviewed them recently. All of the Careers at the training Academies watch old Games to prepare when it gets close to reaping. He imagines her trying to reconcile the girl in the arena with the woman before them.
She nods, waving tentatively at Johanna, who nods in acknowledgment at Annie. He grabs onto her hand, suddenly aware of how little time they have together, how the moment Annie steps into the arena might be the last moment he sees her alive, knowing even as he does it that there are cameras, that he will have to answer for it in an interview.
But it's Annie who does. "No, Finnick and I? I have a crush on him, of course, but he only held my hand at the opening ceremonies because of my worrying. He's really kind like that. But if I make it out of the arena, well I just want to live a quiet life, and Finnick has grown quite popular here in the Capitol."
The interviewer raises his eyebrows and the audience laughs. Finnick wants to throw the glass he's drinking from at the screen, but Enobaria puts her hand on his shoulder. "Relax, she's clever. She knows better than to try to claim the Peoples' Victor for herself."
He knows she's right, he knows this is the best way, but it's irritating all the same. He can't have one thing that is completely his own, and even if he can manage to get Annie the win and keep her as his girlfriend, he can't tell anyone, she has to be his secret, hidden away while he maintains his Capitol life. "Don't you get sick of this?" he asks, a little bolder than usual as he sets his glass down.
She sighs. She had been on her way out of the lounge, but now she pauses, looking at him. "No. Not enough risk anything. Keep your head down, scrape out the best life you can, Odair."
As soon as Annie goes into the arena, Finnick can tell she's changed. As if the act itself of lowering her into the dome changed something in her brain chemistry. They had spent the night before curled up together in his bed, allegedly strategizing, mostly whispering their love to one another. Now, he can't see any of that softness in her eyes, just a flicker that wasn't there before, as if someone else he can't hear is calling to her.
The arena of the 70th Hunger Games is in a massive valley, with a dam on one end, sharp cliff-faces with caves built into them on one side of the valley, and terraced forests climbing up the other side of the valley. At the top, although they can't see it, are force fields. The cornucopia is sitting right in the bottom, in a shallow stream which provides drinking water, as well as a large, open area with no cover. As soon as Annie's feet touch the ground, she takes two steps towards the cornucopia, pauses, as if she hears something, watches as Keel has his head completely taken off with a slash from a sword wielded by 2's boy, and then she is gone, running for the trees without any supplies.
"No, no, no!" he hears Jo from a few stations over, and glances up to the universal feed to see her girl killed by an arrow to the temple, though he doesn't see who shot it. Whoever it was was an excellent shot. Annie is climbing, higher and higher through the vines, and she is laughing, an odd sound against the quiet jungle noises. He can't remember if she's ever heard anyone laugh inside the arena before.
Annie settles down amount the hollow of a massive tree, and hugs her knees to her chest. They're barely an hour into the Games. She has no supplies, no weapons, no allies, no plan. She needs to do something. But she doesn't. She sits. And sits. And sits. Finnick mans the phones, taking calls from sponsors interested in sending her food or a small weapon, and he accepts their offers with the condition that he can send it on his timing. He doesn't want to risk giving away her location with a golden parachute. He doesn't expect a gift to turn her entire demeanor around like it did for Johanna.
Eventually Mags comes to take over for him, and he accepts. He doesn't want to take his eyes away from Annie, but he wants to entertain the sponsors with deeper pockets in person, and Mags has more experience: she'll know the right moment to send the gift. Jo leaves at the same time he does, and they take uppers in her apartment before going out. Her boy is still in the Games, neither of them plan to get much sleep for a few days. Before they leave they apartment, he grabs her from behind, hugging her against him. She leans her head back against his chest, but doesn't say anything. It's nice to hold Johanna, someone solid when he can't hold Annie - when Snow has designed a perfect torture system for him involving Annie - and before he has to go give false love to the men and women who run the Capitol.