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Its been a few weeks, and Haymitch still wakes up each morning in panic, forgetting where he is. District 13 is underground, and the lack of windows is disorienting, even with the ventilation system and the lights on day and night cycling. Oh, and there's no liquor here.
He's so tired, more tired, perhaps, than when he was mentoring Katniss and Peeta in the arena during their 18-day Games, and now there is no end. The Rebellion is ongoing, but there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel, just meetings and espionage and operations and propos on and on and on.
Katniss is here, thank God. And Finnick, and now Gale and some of the people from 12, including Katniss's family. Beetee made it, and some of the known Capitol rebels have made it as well. But it's sparse, there's empty rooms here, and even the native 13 soldiers are not that strong in numbers. And for everyone who is there, Haymitch can think of dozens who aren't. People who he's lost along the way, whether due to the evils of the Capitol, spurring him on this path, or due to his own actions, his 'necessary sacrifices' to get the rebellion moving.
All 47 other Tributes in the arena in his Games, he should start there. All 46 Tributes he failed as a Mentor. Chaff, Seeder, Mags, Wiress, who sacrified themselves as part of the rebel alliance. Elin. His second love, who swore she'd never care about anything again. Most of the population of 12, dead in the bombings as retribution for the 75th Games going to the rebellion. And now Johanna and Peeta, who were still alive, probably, but he'd abandoned them to be tortured.
It was the sort of thinking he did when he had a bottle of liquor in hand, but he didn't have anything of the sort here, so he could only pour himself into his work.
He returns to the command center, desperate to prove this Rebellion will be a success, that everyone's sacrifice was not in vain.
Annie is there too, in the Capitol. They have seen her, once or twice, in glimpses, leaving or entering a car, smiling politely as she exits a building beside some Capitol businessman. It's almost enough to convince Haymitch that they just brought her there to show her off for a while, to get a rise out of Finnick, but he can see her eyes, stormy despite her placid expression. Her eyes are crazed, and she looks moments away from clawing at the face of the man beside her. Haymitch hopes for her sake, she doesn't.
Enobaria should be there too, though there's a chance she's been sent back to 2. Either way, they've never seen her on any of the footage.
He's never seen Johanna either. He knows she's there, knows that they know she's the only one they've caught liable to have information. They don't need to parade her around. She's not there to make Finnick or Katniss emotional. She's there for information, and to weigh on his conscience. And it works.
"You've got to get them back," he tells Coin, Plutarch, and a few of the others, nodding towards the screen where they're replaying a tape of Annie Cresta entering a facility they believe is where Johanna, Peeta, and Annie are being held in.
"We're working on a plan," Coin says, her gaze not even looking up from the reports in her hand.
He imagines himself slamming his hands down on the table to get their attention, to tell her how Johanna is being tortured for information about her stupid rebellion while she refuses to lift a finger to help her, but he knows outbursts like that do nothing to move this woman. He tries a different approach instead. "They'll stop listening soon," he warns. "Finnick and Katniss. There was a reason the rebels kept Peeta alive the whole time in the arena. He's not the Mockingjay, but she won't do anything without him. And Finnick can't perform if he's worried about Annie." He doesn't say anything about himself and Johanna, he knows the two of them are low priority to the cause, but he hopes the influence of the others will secure her rescue.
"We'll take that into consideration," is all she says.
Peeta warns them about the bombing. Haymitch sees it right away, after years of reading Capitol double-speak. The others take longer to convince, but Katniss agrees with him. Unfortunately, being right in this case is a bad thing, and they realize that just as they've been spying on the Capitol, there's been counterespionage of 13. Katniss runs away to ensure her family's safety. Coin and Haymitch make eye contact for a moment, both wondering the same thing: is there a traitor in their midst?
Plutarch pipes up as they gather their things, getting ready to descend to the shelters. "We'd better get that team together to get Cresta, Mason, and Mellark back," he suggests. "We can air some propos to distract everyone."
Coin nods, steady as ever. "I'll tell the leads to solicit for volunteers as soon as the emergency is lifted. Abernathy, get in touch with Latier."
His heart lifts, realizing that finally, after weeks, he'll have Peeta and Johanna back, and Finnick will have Annie back. But in what shape? Peeta managed to do enough to earn Coin's notice, to be deserving of rescue, it seemed. Or perhaps she realized what he said was right, the Mockingjay would be useless after this bombing. Either way, the result was the same. It was time to wait.
"You don't have to do this," he tells Finnick, pulling him aside from where Plutarch is planning the propo.
"I do," he says. "I mean, if it will get Annie out, it's easy," he says. "And Jo." He turns to look off the roof, the first sunlight either of them have seen in days.
"If they fail, you'll only make it worse for her." Haymitch tries to imagine a situation where the rescue team is unsuccessful, and Finnick has spilled the secrets of the Capitol's sexual appetites for Victors, and what the Victors do with their position.
"They won't fail," Finnick says, with all the frustrated hope Hayitch knows Katniss shares, the two of them still upset they were left out of such a moment.
"Well then, you better really keep them hanging onto every word," he advises.
He watches as Finnick reaches into his pocket, pulling out a length of rope. "I have one. Annie used to have the other," he says.
Finnick doesn't explain anything more, just holds the rope in his hands, fiddling with imperceptibly as the camera frames his shoulders and face. If they do back out for a wide shot, they'll just catch him with a length of rope between his fingers, something perhaps not that unusual for a man from 4. But Haymitch doubts anyone is looking at Finnick's fingers. Not with the bombshells he's dropping from his mouth.
He talks about the secrets he's gathered from the people he was forced to sleep with, incredibly incendiary things, like Snow's fortune - lost in District 13 speculation, and Snow's use of poison against the last two Head Gamemakers. Incredible television, and Finnick is talking about it all as if it was a bar fight he witnessed, and not political warfare to save his girlfriend's life.
When it's over, when Plutarch finally says 'cut!', he claps Finnick on the back, but he comes over to Haymitch, shaking his head. Katniss looks shaken, like she never expected this side of Finnick. "I'm going to take a break," Finnick says, excusing himself.
"Did you…?" he doesn't even hear Katniss's question, but he knows what she's asking.
"I was the example. The person to hold up to the young Finnicks and Johannas and Cashmeres. Of what could happen to a Victor who caused problems."
He imagines her putting the pieces together, realizing all the young Victors she knows were likely Capitol whores, but he's distracted thinking of Johanna putting her axe through Cashmere's chest to save Katniss. What a mess the Quarter Quell was, what a waste of lives. Cashmere was right, he thinks, at her interview, to try to agitate the Capitol into trying to avert the Games - they were going to lose all their favorite toys.
He sees them come back, the medics pushing him away for space to treat the new patients. He watches Finnick ignore their warnings, running into the infirmary after Annie, her hands covering her ears in that distinctive gesture.
And then there's Peeta and Johanna - both looking worse than he has ever seen them, both with their heads shaved and each huddled under a rebel soldier's coat. He can only go after one, they are being taken in separate directions within the hospital wing. He needs to choose between his district and his past, between his Tribute and his fellow Mentor, between Katniss's lover and his own.
He chooses Johanna, because Katniss chooses Peeta, and he is grateful she is too out of it from the drugs they've given her to notice his presence, because he is certain he is gaping. Her hair is gone - buzzed like a soldier's, but her scalp is covered with small scabs, her face and neck marred with bruises. The coat draped over her shoulders says 'Hawthorne', and he realizes it is Gale's, that Gale must have gotten her out of whatever rotten Capitol holding cell she was kept in.
Her arm beneath is too-thin, all of her is emaciated, and he's not sure if it was the Capitol starving her or her starving herself in protest, but it doesn't matter, the effect is the same. He can see small marks, just a bit larger than cigarette burns, on every patch of visible skin. He can't imagine what the cause is. He is settled into a nearby chair by one of the medics, as they set to work on Johanna, fussing and complaining about her state. He is handed Gale's coat, one of the older women asking him to get it back to Soldier Hawthorne when he has a chance.
But a moment later, he's running across the infirmary, as he hears a commotion towards where Katniss and Peeta were sent. And he thinks he must have chose wrong, because for a moment he thinks Katniss is dead - that Peeta has murdered her. But they manage to pull him off of her, and the medics check that she is still breathing, and there is confirmation that the Mockingjay lives, albeit more painfully. Peeta, for his part, is seething, held back by two soldiers, shouting about how Katniss is a mutt.
He… he isn't Peeta anymore, Haymitch realizes.
He stays long enough to ensure Katniss is settled in, to make sure Peeta is secured, and then he goes to get a coffee, the closest thing to liquor in this place. On the way, he passes the soldier's break room when he sees Gale, nodding at him for a word. Gale joins him in the hall and he hands back the coat.
"Thanks for getting her back, for getting all of them back," he says. He hasn't forgotten about the bombing of District 12 either.
Gale looks somewhere towards Haymitch's chest. "It was bad," he confirms. "They- she-"
Haymitch nods, stopping him. "Listen. Peeta… they did something to him, something to make him hate Katniss-"
Gale meets his gaze immediately, but it's not rage at Peeta, but concern for Katniss. "Did he hurt her?"
"She's in the infirmary. She's alive, but they got in his head, he really tried to kill her."
For a moment he considers if they would have tried anything with Annie or Johanna. He supposes it could work, hypothetically, but it doesn't seem worth it. Why kill anyone but the Mockingjay, and who better to train than her suspected lover?
Gale shrugs on his coat and takes off towards the infirmary, and Haymitch supposes he better return back to the command center, to figure out what's next on the agenda.
Haymitch hates the way the lights will automatically wake him up in the morning. There's no window to tell him what the weather is outside, or even confirm if it truly is 7AM and not the middle of the night, but the lights turn on to rouse him daily. And then he is expected to be at breakfast in a half hour, and his entry to the canteen is reliant on him submitting his arm to the machine that marks his schedule in a tattoo that will fade away with his nightly shower. Everything is regimented here. He thought things were bad in the Capitol, but at least he could drink, and as long as he stayed in the Training Center, he could do as he pleased.
Here, each minute of time is reserved, planned for maximum efficiency. His rations are portioned for the amount of calories he's expected to use in the day, no more, no less. His sleep meted out in the same way. He feels like a machine.
So he ignores his first meeting with Coin and the other bigwigs and goes to the infirmary instead. There's not much to do in 13 - there's nothing in the way of entertainment, at least entertainment that isn't shooting guns, and as much as he can tell the district would be more than happy with him procreating with someone - they are in desperate need of more citizens - he doesn't have anyone he desires to… make a baby with.
So he settles in on the little chair between Katniss and Johanna, and Annie is there too, on the other side of Johanna. It's a regular Victor's party in here. Annie has her knees up to her chest and she's knitting something, biding her time until she can be released from the hospital, it seems. Johanna is curled on her side, turned towards Annie, but whatever they had been talking about is silenced as he enters. Johanna's breakfast tray is untouched on her side table, but he notices her line is attached to Katniss's morphling bag. Katniss seems to be aware of this, from the way she is wincing as she struggles to open the lid on her porridge, but she doesn't complain.
Ah, he thinks. She finally understands how much she owes to Johanna.
"Can you get Coin to let us out into some regular rooms?" Johanna asks, and Katniss perks up at this as well.
As if Katniss wasn't just shot. Johanna barely looks better than when she arrived, and if she's forgoing food for more morphling, he suspects she's in a lot more pain than she's letting on.
"Maybe once-"
He pauses, his own conversation settling like Annie and Johanna's did as Finnick enters the room. He sits on the chair between Annie and Johanna's beds, and leans down to give Annie a kiss. "How's my hat?" he asks.
She holds up the knitting to show him the bottom of a beautiful navy blue hat. Haymitch has a feeling Annie is leaving the infirmary soon, but has kept the news quiet to not irritate the other two.
"Annie's going to make me one next," Johanna brags. "I need it more, you've got more hair than me now," she says to Finnick. Her voice is slow, the languid sound of morphling that he's become familiar with after so many years of Elin, but it seems to unsettle Finnick, or perhaps it's just Johanna herself. Because she does need a hat. She needs blankets and a hat and extra rations and a long stay in Remake to disappear all the marks on her skin, but of course there is no such thing as Remake, so they've watched the bruises fade from blue to purple to green to yellow, and the burns linger.
"That's great," Finnick offers nervously. "Don't work too hard," he tells Annie.
She nods once, twice, then a firm jerking of her head. "Not. Too. Hard," she repeats, her foot tapping with each syllable. She drops her knitting to cover her ears.
Finnick swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing. He rubs a hand along her back as she rocks. He turns to Johanna. "Hey, Jo," he asks, his voice a little lower. He checks to see if Annie is still covering her ears. "Did they hurt Annie, when you were in the Capitol?"
Johanna turns, so now she's facing Haymitch and Katniss. He sees her thumb press down on the pain pump button, though it might just be on instinct - he doubts it works if she commandeered Katniss's machine - and he can see tears in her eyes. Whether it's from the pain of repositioning or from Finnick's question, he can't be sure.
"Jo?" Finnick tries again.
Annie has recovered, her hands back on her yarn, fiddling with it much like Finnick and his rope. "Finnick, I told you, they arrested me as bait for you. They didn't keep me in a nice hotel, but they didn't hurt me."
And there's something in her eyes that makes Haymitch think she's lying, or at least hiding something. But he has never gotten a chance to know Annie Cresta - Finnick and Mags have always made sure she was safely hidden away in 4. Perhaps she's far more astute that he's given her credit for, perhaps despite her 'madness', she understands full well that Finnick and Johanna are complicated, and that Johanna has done more than her fair share to try to keep Annie safe.
Finnick doesn't look entirely convinced, but he relents, turning the chair to face Annie. Haymitch has half a mind to ask Finnick for a word in the hall to diffuse some of the tension in the room, but Johanna reaches out from under the blanket to grab his arm, to anchor him beside her.
He supposes there's no one else for her, really. Blight is dead, Finnick and Annie will be married soon. Her family is long dead, so for Johanna Mason, he's the last person who might think about her. But it's hard to think about her - to feel her cold fingers reaching for him. Because he took it too far - she is broken broken, and he doesn't know what to do, doesn't know the first thing about how to make things better. The Rebellion has started, certainly, but Snow still lives, and all they have to show for their progress is a pile of casualties.
He thought giving her the rebellion would save her, but instead it almost killed her. What if… giving her comfort is the wrong choice as well? He's plagued by memories of Elin, when they were both young, when they both made all the wrong choices. But how can he not take the hand that is reaching for him? What more do they both have to lose?
He takes her hand, leaning back against the wall of the infirmary. He feels detached, unmoored, ever since the 75th Games ended. He's here and there, trying to help Katniss, trying to get Peeta back to reality, trying to guide Plutarch and Coin toward making decisions that harm the least amount of people, but more and more he feels himself becoming like a Capitolite, a puppeteer, pulling the strings, never taking direct action.
At least now, here, he can make sure Johanna gets better, can ensure she doesn't die of a morphling overdose, can make sure she's not alone while Finnick and Annie plan their wedding. He can at least try to help one person.
He sees her at the wedding, a borrowed dress hanging off her too-thin frame, her shoulders and collarbones jutting out against the fabric. She's leaning against a table, probably more for support than she's letting on, and her morphling port is gone. Her hair has grown a bit, but it's still shockingly short, accentuating her sunken cheeks. She is having a slice of Peeta's cake.
"He's a good baker," Haymitch says, joining her at the table. He sits, giving her an invitation to sit as well, despite the fact that everyone is up and clapping at the newlyweds as they dance.
She takes him up on the offer, sitting on the bench beside him, and taking another bite of the cake. "He's a good person," she amends.
Haymitch understands what's been done to Peeta now, more or less. He knows less about what's been done to her. "Did you know they kept us close to each other?" she asks. "So we could hear each other's screams. Sometimes they'd even make us watch."
He wants to ask her so many things. He wants to know exactly what happened, so he can understand, because he wants to believe what he is imagining is worse, but he doubts that, somehow. The Capitol always surprises him with its horrors. He doesn't want to pry, doesn't want to force her to talk about anything. They're at a wedding, he isn't here to ask her about being tortured. "I'm sorry," is all he offers, because if he knew the moment he had to change to save her, he would. But at the end of the day, if it were one or the other, you'd still choose the Mockingjay, a voice in his head torments him. Because it was, and he did.
"Thanks," she says.
Soon enough, Peeta himself comes over to ask Johanna to dance. "Sure, why not," she says, standing to join him. Haymitch watches the way Peeta holds her, his touch gentle, his movements careful, as if he knows that she might still be in pain. He is still watching them when Finnick sits down.
"Jealous?" he asks, grinning.
"Of Peeta?" Haymitch asks, amused. He turns to Finnick, only to see him watching Johanna and Peeta dancing as well. He sees Annie in a crowd involving Primrose Everdeen, all of them dancing together. "Are you?"
Finnick shrugs, smiling with a little self-derision. "Is it bad if I say yes? I am thrilled to be married, I love Annie. But a part of me - one month of the year, or so - loves Jo, too."
Haymitch finishes Johanna's abandoned piece of cake. "Annie is a good woman," he says. "Better than you give her credit for. I think she'll understand your relationship with Johanna is complicated. But… your heart can't be in two places."
He nods. "We're having a baby."
Haymitch hates that his first thought is that 'District 13 will be pleased'. "That's great, Finnick. Congratulations."
Finnick nods. "Thanks. Listen, Haymitch. About Johanna…"
Finnick can't finish his thought as the song ends and Johanna returns, wrapping her arms around him from behind. "Congratulations, you married man!" she cheers, then releases him, and sees her cake gone. "Haymitch, did you steal my cake?"
"I'll get you another piece," Peeta offers, disappearing to do so.
"He likes you," Finnick comments, changing the subject.
"Everyone likes me, I'm very likable," she snaps back, sarcastic as ever and making no reference to their Capitol torture on his wedding night.
Cake in hand, she sits back down, her leg touching Haymitch's with the close proximity. He doesn't move away, and neither does she. Annie joins soon enough, and it's the five of them, and then the bride and groom leave the party, and Peeta also leaves, and she remains at his side.
It seems the cleanup will take place the next day, as the lights are turned off, and just the low-power night-time lights remain on overhead, and she rests her head on his shoulder. "Am I a chore for you?" she asks, after several minutes of silence.
"What are you talking about?"
"Like on your tattoo. Brush teeth. Show off Mockingjay. Get Johanna squared away."
"Is that why you think I'm here?" he asks. He can't really place his emotion - irritation or frustration, mixed with a sort of sadness that she really thinks he's only here to get rid of her.
She sits up, and he doesn't miss the way she seems to wince as she readjusts herself. "I don't know. Why else would you go through the effort? Finnick has Annie. You have Katniss and Peeta… I just… don't fit in anywhere, but you probably feel obligated."
He leans forward a bit, sighing. She's not exactly off base. He does feel obligated, and he does have Katniss and Peeta to look after, but… that isn't the whole story. He turns his head so he's looking up at her, for once. God, it'd be so much easier to just kiss her, to show her he still is attracted to her, to forget the conversation and just bring her back to his compartment, to hold onto her. But what then? What about the next day? "I don't want to get you squared away," he says slowly, not sure exactly how to end the sentence as he starts it, "Because that would mean, eventually, you wouldn't be around anymore. I don't want to stop seeing you."
She furrows her brow as if this confession is still dangerous, as if someone somewhere is getting to work making a Jabberjay of his screams just to torture her with, or Snow is plotting how to use this knowledge against her. She's carried her affection so close to her chest for so many years, that hearing this confession, indirect as it is, is frightening, he can tell. She doesn't say anything back - not a rejection or an acceptance of his feelings, but he doesn't mind. He didn't expect anything when he sat down here, after all.
"I owe Katniss," he explains. "I got her wrapped up in all of this, and if she's going to see this all through, I will stand by her." He puts a hand on her thigh, and it's a gamble, he isn't sure how she feels about being touched after her time in the Capitol, but he takes it as a good sign when she doesn't flinch away. "But we've been at this for years, Johanna. I'm not going to forget that because I have a teenager to look after." He doesn't clarify if 'this' is the preparation for the rebellion or their romantic entanglement, but he supposes he means both.
"I'm tired," she says, finally. "Let's go back."
So they leave, everything still undecided, things left unsaid, the last to leave the darkened hall that hours before saw Finnick and Annie wed. But even if they are going to separate compartments, he is hopeful. He said his piece. The rest is on her.