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“You ready?”
Shizuha tapped Claudine’s shoulder, snapping her from the daze she was in as she looked at her phone after their last day of shooting for Arcana.
“Yeah, let me just put my hair up.”
Claudine tied her hair back in a ponytail, and looked at herself in the mirror. It was an odd look: no makeup, all washed off after they finished the shoot, hair tied back, very simple clothes since she hadn’t had time to plan an outfit that day. She looked tired. But, she supposed it didn’t much matter what she looked like. Her words were what mattered.
Shizuha had a similar look, though she chose to keep her hair down. Her makeup had been washed off as well, however, and she had the same look as Claudine: a little pale, a little older than her age, in need of some extra sleep. They put on their masks, their jackets, their winter gloves, and walked to the station, arriving at the Fashion*Butai office around 7PM. It was a small office on the outskirts of Ginza, on the third floor of a building with a real estate office, a cafe, and several other businesses operating in it. They rang the buzzer, and Karasuma Urara arrived and let them in quickly.
“I was surprised you wanted to meet here,” she said, once introductions had been made, and they were all settled in her private office. “Most want to do interviews at a neutral location.”
Claudine shook her head. “This is fine, the privacy is most important. Besides, Souda-sensei vouched for you, and I trust her implicitly.”
Beside her on the small couch, Shizuha nodded.
“Then we’ll go ahead like this,” Urara said. She poured them some tea and set out some snacks. “I heard you already spoke to the police and gave statements. I’m curious what angle you want to approach this from.”
Claudine waited to see if Shizuha would speak up first, but she remained silent, her arms crossed. Claudine thought of the scars on her arms, the pain caused by Kirin, and gathered her courage. “We did give those statements, however the police implied we don’t have much of a case. There’s not much in the way of witness testimony, and we didn’t come forward until years later. We were hoping to… write something that would at least show people what a terrible person Kirin is, even if we can’t lock him up.”
Claudine saw Shizuha nod beside her.
Urara took some notes, and there was a silence before she posed a question. “I understand. My concern is that in order to achieve what you want, you need to give up all your secrets. Are you alright with putting everything out for the public to see?”
Claudine turned to Shizuha, who she expected to have some concerns, but her expression was steeled. She hooked her arm through Claudine’s, holding them tightly together, sharing their strength. For the first time, she spoke. “I held this close to my chest for years, and all it brought me was pain. If there’s even a chance that speaking out publicly would bring some justice, or at least cause Kirin to have to check his actions, then I’m happy to do it.”
Truth be told, Claudine was less sure than Shizuha. She had let her pain settle for several years. She had held it somewhere out of sight, out of mind, where she could compartmentalize it and hide it away, and this tell-all article would be drawing every detail up to the surface again. But Shizuha’s resolve, as well as the knowledge that others could be victims of Kirin’s tactics, had her nodding as well. “I’ll do it,” she said.
Urara nodded, arranging her laptop on her desk, and pulling up a recording device. “This is between us, until you sign off on my manuscript,” she assured them. “You can get a lawyer to look at it as well. This is going to be pretty serious when it drops, so we want to do this right.”
They nodded, and Claudine sipped her tea, just for something to do. She tried to keep her hands steady.
“Well, I guess let’s start from the beginning,” Urara said. “Claudine?”
“Oh, sure. Well, I first met Kirin when I was twelve, but he didn’t become my agent until I was fourteen…”
They spoke with Urara for about an hour and a half, until Shizuha’s phone rang, and Aruru was called asking after her. They promised to reconvene in another two days, picking up where they left off. Claudine said goodbye to Shizuha outside the station, appreciating the feeling of the cold air on her skin, uneasy and wound up.
“Thanks for doing this,” she said. She knew Shizuha said she was ready for the interview, but she was appreciative of the support beside her on the couch all the same. It was different from Maya’s support, it wasn’t someone she could lean into, pour her love into, but the value of the shared experience was more than she expected.
“Of course. We… might be able to make some kind of difference,” Shizuha said. She shrugged, as if to say ‘or not,’ but smiled lightly, with a bit of hope.
Claudine rode the bus home, instead of calling for a car. Perhaps she wanted to just be around other humans, or perhaps she just couldn’t stand being still another moment as she waited for the ride to arrive. She realized, as she was riding the familiar route to Kachidoki, that she was like a spring, wound too tightly, and she needed a way to let some energy go. She needed Maya.
She walked quickly from the station in Kachidoki to the apartment, through the lobby and up the elevator, down the corridor, and into their apartment, ready to pull Maya against her. She wanted to kiss her, she wanted to tell her about her evening, she wanted to pull her down the hall to bed. She stopped short hearing two voices, the tightened wire inside of her almost snapping as she saw Maya on the living room couch, another woman sitting on the floor, watching television and eating dinner. It took her a moment to recognize Koharu.
And she didn’t have enough room to process her emotions, they were all bumping against each other. She didn’t dislike Koharu, but currently she couldn't stand to look at her. If she couldn’t have Maya, right now, there was only one thing that could help her.
So, shoes still on, she strode through the living room, opening the door on the far side, and walking out onto the balcony, the January air blowing into the apartment. She closed the door behind her, knowing she made a scene and ashamed of herself for it. She sighed, shivering as she sat on the balcony, biting her lip but unable to stop the tears.
She pressed her forehead to her knees, crying into her lap, unable to even look at the bay, as she intended. No Maya, no water, no respite. ‘And for what?, she wondered. For the disappointment of not getting to embrace Maya the moment she came home, she supposed, bitterly.
A minute later, Maya came out onto the balcony, in her winter coat, bringing a blanket and handing it to her. She sat beside Claudine close enough that her right side was touching Claudine’s left side.
“Koharu needed to get back,” she said.
Claudine understood the implication. She appreciated Maya’s kindness, though. “I apologize,” she said.
Maya shook her head. “It’s fine. I should have given you a heads up.”
“I will make it up to Koharu,” she said. “You don’t need permission to have friends over.”
Maya nodded, but didn’t respond. Claudine knew what she wanted to ask. She messed with the blanket laying across their laps, her eyes now clear enough that she could look out to the water, glistening with the lights of Tokyo under the night sky.
“I was at the Fashion*Butai offices tonight,” Claudine said, resting her head on Maya’s shoulder. “With Shizuha. We were describing, in great detail, our lives under Kirin.”
Maya sighed, turning to her and kissing the top of her head. “So you were surprised to come home and find I had a guest over,” she said.
Claudine drew her knees up closer, her shame building instead of dissipating. “Well, I guess, but it shouldn’t matter. I mean, surprised is fine, but I shouldn’t rely on you for every emotion I have to process, you know? I need to do some things on my own. I feel the same as when I went back to Yokohama and would rely on my parents too much.”
She looked back to the water, realizing that for the past month, she’d been enjoying her affection with Maya, but also using it as a substitute for therapy, using everything from casual contact to sex as a way to help her deal with anxiety and any other overwhelming emotions. And she knew Maya deserved better, to be loved properly, not just when Claudine was at her most vulnerable. She did have true feelings for Maya, too, she just wasn’t in a place to give them.
She supposed that’s why she hadn’t confessed, why they were toying around with intimacy without putting a label on it.
“You’re doing fine,” Maya assured her. “And I don’t mind when you rely on me.”
Claudine wanted to nod, she wanted to accept the gift Maya was offering her, but she couldn’t. Because each kiss, each time they laid down in bed was beginning to feel too much like taking advantage of Maya’s kindness, and if there was anything Claudine hated, it was people taking advantage of Maya. “I think I need some time to work on myself,” Claudine said. The words were like ice in her own chest, freezing her lungs. All she wanted to do was fall into Maya’s arms. “I think it would be best if we went back to friends and roommates for a time.”
And Maya didn’t protest, she simply nodded her understanding. Claudine couldn’t help but think of the scene she walked into, of Maya and Koharu enjoying dinner together, and imagined it with them both on the couch, with them in a more romantic context, but she stopped the thought before it had time to grow. She was choosing this, she needed to deal with the consequences.
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Two days later, she continued the interview with Shizuha, this time in a worse mood due to her decision to change the dynamic of her relationship with Maya. It was for the best, she felt, since it was difficult to tell if her desire to be close to Maya was due to her feelings for Maya or for her desperation for love, for connection and some modicum of happiness, but at the same time it felt like a punishment. And she felt as though she was also punishing Maya.
The second half of the interview was largely Shizuha’s half, and she listened as Shizuha gave details about her time with Kirin, the time just after Claudine left for Yokohama. She chewed the inside of her lip as she listened, finding it difficult to sit still. She wanted to excuse herself, truly, but Shizuha had sat patiently while she spoke, so she wanted to offer the same support.
“...And it was like nothing I did was right. He was frustrated that our campaigns weren’t as successful as the ones he ran with Saijou-san, and he would tell me it was because I wasn’t working hard enough, because I wasn’t thin enough, because I was too… cold.”
Claudine was sure her lip was bleeding at this point, so she stood up, not to leave, but just to shake off some pent up frustration.
“Saijou-san?” Urara looked up from her notes, the last rays of sunlight streaming in from the window behind her desk. “Ah, perhaps it’s a good place to take a break, in any case.”
Claudine leaned against the wall on the side of the office, wishing to take a walk, or for a cigarette, or for anything else to do. The idea of going home, forgetting her worries as she buried herself in pleasure with Maya was all too appealing, but she needed to deny the temptation.
“I was thinking about the photos to accompany this piece,” Urara was saying. Claudine brought her focus back to the present.
“Did you have some ideas?” Shizuha asked. Urara was primarily a journalist, but she had worked at Fashion*Butai for long enough that she was likely to have a keen eye for the art direction for a piece like this.
“I really was struck when you arrived here the first day - no makeup, no airs, ready to expose the truth. I was thinking about working with that concept - something bare, something raw.”
“If you’re trying to make this a cover piece, you’re letting me wear basic makeup,” Shizuha teased, and Claudine nodded along. “I’m not trying to get new antis.”
“I understand. I think just ‘extreme minimalism’ will do. I was thinking about getting in touch with Sakuragi Rei for some photos.”
“The Sarazashi photographer?” Claudine asked. The planning discussion was helping her get a grip on herself.
Urara nodded. “She works with them currently, but she has a long portfolio. She’s been working in the industry since before you were born. I think she will have a good vision for this. We’ll schedule something, maybe this weekend?” She wrote some notes down before looking back up at them, first at Shizuha on the couch, then at Claudine leaning against the wall. “I know we’ve just been working in this small group, but feel free to bring someone along. Especially for the photos. You don’t have to do this alone.”
That night, Maya was home alone when Claudine arrived. And still, Claudine wanted nothing more than to embrace her, but she felt as though she might do the same, even if it was someone else. She couldn’t be sure these feelings were for Maya alone, and so she held back. She was too unstable, emotions leaking out of her here and there.
But holding back from Maya completely proved impossible, and she posed the question at dinner, as they ate their re-heated convenience store dinners. “I’ve got work this weekend, for that Fashion*Butai article. Would you mind coming along?” she asked.
“Of course,” Maya said, as if there was no other answer. “I don’t mind at all.”
And so it was that she and Maya called the driver on their day off, departing to Sendagaya, farther than their usual route, but that is where Sakuragi’s studio was located, so this was where they had to go. Claudine carried a garment bag with a few potential outfits - her own personal clothes. As they arrived in the studio, they could see various Sarazashi photos on the walls, and Claudine could sense Maya’s discomfort. She had forgotten to warn Maya who the photographer was, after all. “There shouldn’t be any Sarazashi people here,” she assured her, hoping she was right.
They walked further inside, and she felt she was correct. It appeared that she, Shizuha, Maya, Sakuragi, Urara, and Kyoko were the only ones in attendance. She wondered about Shizuha’s choice not to invite a peer, but didn’t comment on it.
They had decided white was an appropriate color for the tone of the shoot, and sorted through the options they had brought. Once they had picked, they changed, applying their own makeup, the minimum they would find acceptable, per Sakuragi’s instruction.
Maya sat in a chair a few meters behind the camera, Kyoko beside her, both of them scrolling through their phones at the currently empty set. Claudine tried not to think on the two spectators as she finished her makeup, arranging her hair neatly, her only accessory a simple black headband that had been one of her trademarks in her younger years. She looked at herself in a full-length mirror: a white long-sleeved silk peasant dress that hit just above the knees, and per Sakuragi’s instructions, no shoes. Shizuha was wearing a floor length gauzy white skirt, but her top half was just covered with a simple white camisole. It was the first time Claudine had seen her arms exposed.
They moved to the set - a gray backdrop, and Claudine suddenly felt uncomfortable. This was the first time, she realized, that she would be working with Maya’s observation, without Maya working in the same session. Generally, they would watch each other in solo shots, but they would each take a turn. This was the first time that Maya was just here to observe.
They began with the shots together, allowing Sakuragi to position them. She used a stool, adding it then taking it away, having them stand side by side, back to back, and so on. Finally, she took a break, considering.
“I think your faces and your arms are the most important parts,” she said. “I want portraits that show the emotion in this article, and also, this is the first time Kocho-san is showing off her scars. For Saijou-san, do we have gloves, or… ink? Something to draw attention to the fact that there are stains here, there is trauma.”
And so Claudine stood, her arms held slightly forward, palms facing the camera, black paint dripping off of them and pooling onto the ground. Shizuha stood just over her shoulder, her arms wrapped around Claudine’s chest in a gentle hug, her scars visible. They each held a serious gaze directly into the camera: this was their dark past on display, after all. It was clear this would be the cover shot immediately after it was taken. Sakuragi nodded at them, her satisfaction in that small gesture.
Claudine thought she might have rushed up to Maya for the comfort of an embrace, forgoing her earlier promise, if it wasn’t for the paint running down her arms.
She walked off set to clean herself off as Shizuha prepared for solo shots, and Claudine came to sit beside Maya. “Thank you,” she said.
“You did well,” Maya commended, and she sounded as though she wanted to add more, but didn’t, not with Kyoko right beside them.
The solo shots were significantly easier, and they departed for home while the sun was still out. At the entrance, Claudine nearly ran into Maya’s back as she stopped short, and Claudine peered up to see Tendo Yuko standing before her, dressed as formally as if she was going to a Fashion Week event.
“Good afternoon,” Maya said to her mother, nodding her head.
“Good afternoon,” Claudine repeated, once she had recovered from running into Maya, though she didn’t quite feel as much deference to this woman.
“Ah, Maya, Saijou-san, hello. Fancy seeing you here,” she said. Claudine knew that she was sharp, and sure enough, she knew better than to inquire about their business, instead turning the conversation somewhere else. “I saw that Siegfeld girl got a centerfold article,” she remarked, her eyes fixed on Maya. “I suppose that’s the goal to surpass.”
“Indeed,” Maya said, her voice firm.
Claudine wanted to shake her, to tell her that this wasn’t true, that she could approach the top from all sorts of angles, that there was no ‘one’ summit to climb to, but she didn’t have that privilege, especially at this moment, to butt in.
If Maya believed that usurping Akira was her path to victory, then she knew Maya was going to succeed.
“Very well,” Yuko replied. “Best of luck to you. I will see you in the spring shows, I suppose.”