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Claudine woke up feeling unwell. She knew it was the day Fashion*Butai was set to release, with herself and Shizuha on the cover - in white, aside from the black ink staining her hands and pooling at their feet - she knew the article explaining the details of their history with Kirin was going up for public consumption that morning. She anticipated this, and yet she had an incredibly foreboding feeling about it, nonetheless.
She rolled over in bed, curling herself around the fluffy white duvet. She needed to go to the office. She had a shoot that morning. She thought there was a meeting planning spring runway travel that afternoon, but she couldn’t remember. She didn’t want to trouble Maya by making her come in and drag her out of bed. But it was hard to move. She imagined dozens, hundreds, thousands of people reading about her childhood, reading about the secret darkness she had held so close for so many years. It had taken so much for her to even tell Maya, and now, just anyone could see her damage. They’d believe her, right?
“Claudine, are you awake?”
She didn’t respond. She was perfectly capable, but she wanted Maya to come into her room, to come closer. And she did. Maya walked in, to her bedside, sitting just on the edge. “Claudine, are you feeling alright? You look pale,” Maya said.
She wanted to nod - to tell Maya she was fine, and get up and begin her day. That was the right thing to do. After all, she was the one who told Maya she needed space, that she needed a break from the intimacy. But this morning she was weak - she was vulnerable and Maya was good - Maya was the remedy, at least momentarily, for the malaise she was feeling over the article.
So instead of being good, she tugged on Maya’s hand, pulling her closer, and even though Maya should have been able to resist easily, she did not, coming to a stop inches from Claudine’s face, her elbows balancing on either side of where Claudine was laying in bed.
And then it was a simple matter of reaching up to close the distance between them, which she did with a small moan of want. Their lips connected and it felt instantly as if far too long had passed since the last time they had kissed, though in reality it was only a few weeks. She hooked her arms around Maya’s neck, pulling her closer, pulling their bodies together. She wanted to taste Maya, she wanted to feel Maya, she wanted to forget herself and sink into Maya again. She hated that she couldn’t sort her feelings out between taking comfort in Maya and being attracted to Maya, but right now she didn’t care. Maya’s tongue snaking into her mouth, Maya’s hands slipping under her shirt were too good - they were what she needed.
Thirty minutes later, it was over, and Claudine lay naked in her bed, catching her breath as she stared at Maya’s naked form - too perfect to be real. Perfect bone structure, sleek, flowing hair, toned abs, piercing violet eyes - of course this girl would make her forget about her troubles, she thought.
She was doing her best to remain composed, now not so anxious about the release of the article, but now fretting about the state of her relationship with Maya. Perhaps she should just remove the boundaries between them, she thought, and return to the relationship they had around the holidays and just after, growing closer organically, sleeping together when they pleased, their intimacy unchecked. But with the stress in both of their lives, Claudine could easily see how she could turn that intimacy into a coping mechanism instead of properly dealing with it, and she didn’t want to hurt Maya in that way. Turning away, finally, she gave Maya’s hand one last squeeze and got up to shower.
It hurt to say “I don’t know if I like you or if you fill a need,” so she had kept her mouth shut so far. She believed she liked Tendo Maya. She believed she liked her quite intensely, actually. But the fucked up relationship she had with Kirin, coupled with the isolation she’d had from anyone but her parents for five years made her doubt everything. Maya was the first person she’d been intimate with. Maya was the first person who she’d allowed herself to get close to. Of course she thought she liked Maya, but she didn’t want to hurt Maya by making a mistake because she had too many complicated feelings churning at once. So for now, she cursed herself for her own weakness, regretting the sex as soon as it was over, scrubbing the vestiges of Maya’s touch from her skin in the shower before preparing to go to work. Hot and cold. Dousing herself and then resurfacing. She felt as if she might be able to repeat this tortuous cycle forever, but what of the water she was reusing over and over? Surely it would go bad, tainted by her impurities….
Based on a text from Futaba, Claudine took the recommendation to call a car to take them to work. She and Maya gazed out the windows on the drive to Ginza, Claudine once spying a newsstand selling copies of Fashion*Butai and seeing a flash of herself and Shizuha on the cover. Really only a glimpse of white and black. They arrived at the office and entered through the underground garage, walking to the cafe to pick up breakfast before descending to the underground photo studios.
“What’s this?” asked Kaoruko, circumventing them on the way to the dressing room. “You never shower in the mornings. Or pick up food before a shoot. Did you have to kick an ‘overnight guest’ out this morning?” she teased, raising her eyebrows.
Claudine knew Kaoruko was making an incorrect guess on purpose, but she didn’t have the patience for the teasing this morning. “Of course not,” she said. “I couldn’t sleep because of Urara’s article, so I got up early to shower. But I haven’t had an appetite til now,” she said, the lies rattling off her tongue with practiced ease.
Kaoruko backed up, apparently respecting this excuse, though Claudine was suspicious of how much Kaoruko suspected of her relationship with Maya. An investigation for another day, she supposed. Kaoruko turned back to her station, and she and Maya moved to the dressing room.
“You really know how to get Kaoruko-san off your case,” Maya said, her voice low.
Claudine knew what she meant. She was a good liar. She was good at deflection, at avoiding the truth. Maya was probably wondering how many of their conversations had gone the same way without Maya noticing. And for good reason. Claudine spoke like this to Kirin all the time. To her parents. To Souda-sensei. Now to Kaoruko, apparently, without even thinking about it. She would have to think back and consider if she ever avoided the truth with Maya, though she was fairly sure she’d only been honest. “Sorry, would you rather I had shared what we were really up to?” she teased back, deferring on a serious answer and watching the blush color Maya’s cheeks cutely.
Claudine sat in the chair, letting the stylists set her hair into perfect waves, and turn her face into the style demanded by the shoot - sharp contouring, strong highlights, lots of gold tones in the shadows - as she caught up on her messages which seemed to flood in continuously.
Yachiyo: yo. just saw the article. pretty much what i thought but … holy shit are you ok with everyone seeing this??
Souda Sawa: Saijou-san, I just bought an issue and read through the final copy of the article. I’m proud of you.
Mom: I got your message about staying home today. We can do that, we have food and dad doesn’t have any appointments. Is everything alright? What’s happened? Call me!
Claudine took a moment between her makeup being finished and changing into the outfit for the shoot to call her mother, explaining the situation. “I am 95% sure no one knows where you live and no one will bother you, but just in case.”
“Of course. Oh, Claudinie… Be careful, alright? Mamie at the store has some vegetables she wants me to send you, so I’ll be sending them along by courier.”
“Ok, sounds good. I gotta go work now. Bye!”
She hung up the phone, tossing it back into her bag. She changed into the first outfit for this shoot, a sky blue tailored suit, aware at once of how Karen was not in her face to get some candid shots, but rather tucked in a chair in a corner, both her smartphone and her tablet open as she pored over some content with rapt interest.
The set this time was a huge acrylic cylinder on its side, nearly 8 ft tall in the center. The plastic itself was transparent, and the draping behind it was a deeper blue than the fabric of the outfits. They were to pose in front of, in, and around the cylinder as part of the shoot, a relatively simple concept today, for which Claudine was grateful. The outfits today were being shot for the catalogue and for retail sales, and while they were still in the middle of preparations for the spring runways, all of the major designs had been shot.
She posed with Maya as she always did, grateful as Nana played some classical music to make the studio slightly more lively. She focused on her work, turning her thoughts away from anything besides Nana, Maya, and the giant round tube centering the shots. It was easy, as usual, to work off of Maya. The only difficult part was to try not to think about Maya laying in her bed that morning. To remind herself that was not to happen again, at least not for a while.
They shot several outfits, at several angles, with a few changes to the set, and were finished soon after lunch. Kaoruko summoned them to her office, instead of the usual break they got after their morning work. Claudine changed back into her own clothes, cleaned the makeup off her face, and followed Maya up from the basement studio.
“Should we get a coffee, at least, if we don’t have time for lunch?” asked Claudine, as they ascended back to the lobby.
“Sure.” They both knew Kaoruko was probably going to offer them tea, but the coffee shop had pastries, and that was the real draw.
At the entrance to the building, however, Claudine could see several people gathered, just outside the doors. They looked to be reporters, mingled with perhaps fans, all of them near the large windows extending around the HANA building, with security keeping them from entering.
Claudine bit her lip. “Maybe we can just go right up?” she suggested.
Maya nodded, and they moved towards the elevators. She felt Maya’s hand against her back, guiding her away from the wall of windows, and wondered suddenly if this was how Maya felt, to be faced with so many fans. She felt bad for teasing Maya, suddenly.
They skipped over the cafeteria and went directly to Kaoruko’s office, sitting across from her desk in sleek white leather chairs.
“Well, this has certainly blown up,” she said, staring at something Claudine couldn’t see on her tablet, and then switching to a message on her smartphone. A copy of the Fashion*Butai article lay open on her desk, some passages highlighted.
Claudine didn’t say anything, waiting, rather, for Kaoruko to continue.
“I’m glad we got the bulk of the spring shoots done, and we’re not quite at runway season. Honestly, it’s like Kyoko-han and Urara-han were thinking of me for once,” she commented, sipping a cup of tea. “Anyways, I think it’s best you take this afternoon and tomorrow off. I can only imagine the media hype is going to get worse. It’s been a little while since they’ve had something to latch on to like this.”
“I can still work,” Claudine countered quickly. ’In fact I’d prefer to work,’ she wanted to add, thinking how much she didn’t want to be trapped in that high-rise apartment with just her thoughts and Tendo Maya. Maya, who she didn’t want to rely on but gave in to just that morning.
“I’m sure you can, and Maya as well, but the thing is, I don’t really think it will be easy to get you both in and out of this building after a while. I don’t want anyone following you to your home. There’s no urgent work. I’ll have Mahiru run tomorrow’s planning meeting with a video call.”
Claudine nodded, understanding this decision was final. Maya as well seemed content to follow along, despite her usual ‘go go go’ mentality.
“Oh, and one more thing,” Kaoruko said, stopping them as they leaned forward to go. She pulled two cards from her desk and handed them to Maya and Claudine. Claudine felt the cardstock under her thumb, inadvertently bending the paper, but she didn’t look down to read it. “It’s a therapist’s office,” Kaoruko said, by way of explanation. “Not a requirement, but just in case you want to talk to someone about… anything.”
“I can pay for something like this on my own if I need it,” Claudine protested.
“Don’t worry about it,” Kaoruko said. “It’s a company perk. If you bothered to read the contracts in full, you would know it was always covered. I just had Futaba go ahead and find a convenient location in Ginza and get some cards for you - taking out all the hard parts.”
“We appreciate it,” Maya said, amicably.
“It’s nothing. Of course, I also didn’t want you stumbling onto my therapist and taking up all of her time. So really this is for me.”
They greeted Futaba on the way out, who arranged a car for them from the underground garage.
And so from there they traveled home, curtains drawn over the car windows, Claudine just peeking through a small crack at the dozens of people gathered around HANA, at the buzz she created. She called Shizuha as they drove. “Are you alright?” she asked.
“I’m fine,” Shizuha confirmed. “I’m with Aruru now. We… we’re really getting attention,” she said, her voice nervous, but excited. “We could really make a difference.”
Claudine nodded, trying to feel the same optimism that Shizuha held.
When she got home, Claudine showered for the second time that day, eager to get the products out of her hair, the remains of the makeup scrubbed from her face, any traces of sweat washed from her body. She took her time, thinking about the implications of the article, the press, what it meant for herself, Maya, HANA. When she emerged from the bathroom, dressed in sweatpants and an older T-shirt, Maya was gone.
She paced around the apartment for a bit, worrying, before deciding Maya was an adult and could handle herself. She slipped out to the balcony, sitting with a glass of water and a book, alternating between reading and looking at the view as the sun began to set over Tokyo.
Her phone rang with a text.
Maya: Koharu was in the neighborhood and we went for a run while you were in the shower. Is it alright if she comes to the apartment for dinner?
Claudine didn’t exactly want to see anyone that evening, dressed as she was in her pajamas, practically, but she didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts, or alone with Maya, and she also wanted to make up for her rude behavior the last time she saw Koharu.
Claudine: Sure, no problem.
About twenty minutes later, Koharu and Maya returned to the apartment, arms laden with bags of takeout from a local restaurant.
She greeted Koharu and invited her into their living room, helping Maya unpack the food. “No one followed you?” she asked, in a hushed whisper.
“If they did, they did a very good job,” Maya said back in a light tone, teasing her.
Claudine wasn’t amused, and Maya seemed to recognize this, assuring her that she saw no one suspicious as they brought the food and plates out into the low table in the living room.
Claudine spent dinner asking Koharu how she’d been, both to distract herself and to hopefully redeem herself to Koharu. She was surprised to learn how… Maya-like Koharu was outside of a work setting: learning about how Koharu enjoyed working out, how she read about as many books as Maya did, how she and Maya both had an interest in houseplants, even.
Koharu was more talkative in this small group than she was in the larger setting of the fall runway shows, something Claudine hadn’t noticed the other time she had met Koharu with Maya, distracted as she was by the surprise encounter with the fan. She was taken aback, however, and almost choked on a bite of food, when Koharu leaned forward, saying, “I really am surprised. Maya always called you her roommate, but I thought you had to be dating.”
Claudine took a sip of her water, mostly to compose herself and hide the blush coloring her cheeks, but also to give her a moment to come up with a response. By all intents and purposes, regardless of what situation she found herself in with Maya that morning, they were not dating she supposed. “No, of course not,” she assured Koharu.
Claudine didn’t miss the slight change in Maya’s expression. Perhaps a slight look of curiosity? Or disappointment? It was hard to read her while keeping her focus on Koharu, she wanted to turn fully towards Maya but knew it would be rude. Still, she couldn’t ignore the pang in her chest after her response - it felt bad to deny a claim to Maya. It felt bad to see that look, whatever it was, in Maya’s eyes.
Koharu sipped her drink, chatting away, attentive to Maya as well. Claudine found herself withdrawing, both from the conversation, and physically, bringing dishes back to the kitchen. It was hard to watch them getting along so well together. She had no reason to stop Maya from having a friend, but she wondered if it was something more. She began to wonder if inadvertently she gave her ‘blessing’ to Koharu to pursue Maya romantically. It hurt.
Koharu seemed to detect the change in mood, and began packing up her things soon after. “I better get back,” she said. “Maya, remember the Blue Glitter final reception is next week,” she said, walking towards the entrance. Maya and Claudine followed to say goodbye.
Shyly, Koharu turned toward Claudine, and Claudine’s heart began to beat faster. She wondered, suddenly, if Koharu was formally going to ask about Maya, or what she wanted between the two of them. “Saijou-san. I… I know we’re not very close, but I really admire what you and Kocho-san did through Fashion*Butai. I wanted to offer my support in any way possible. Please let me know how and I will do my best.” She offered a small bow, and then seemed to change her mind, coming forward to hug Claudine.
And despite all of her confusing feelings about Koharu, it did feel good to have her support. She hugged her back, then waved goodbye as she left the apartment. Maya offered to finish cleaning up, so Claudine returned to her room, laying back on her bed, the white duvet billowing up around her.
She felt bad, she felt like she was drowning and that Maya was floating away. The binds of her past were pulling Claudine down, and Maya’s fame was pulling her up. And waiting, up in the sky, unbound by the weightiness of sorrow, was Koharu. The magazine article, Maya’s fans, their jobs, it was all just fodder to accentuate the differences between them, to heighten the divide.
She sighed, turning over onto her stomach and propping herself up on her stomach. It was making her feel ill, thinking like this all the time. It was making her feel like she did then, when Kirin was dictating her every move, telling her what she could and couldn’t do, what her worth was, his boot in her chest pushing down, down, down.
She shook her head. Why did she agree to the article just to feel like she was under Kirin’s thumb? She was Sajiou Claudine, she went out and she got what she wanted. She was five years removed from that time in her life, she shouldn’t be trapped in this endless cycle of sorrow. She wanted to be happy with Maya. She wanted to tell Maya her feelings and be with Maya, not cede her to Koharu. She needed to sort out her life.
Biting her lip, she reached over to her nightstand, grabbing her phone and the business card Koaruko had given her that day. It was after hours, she reached a voicemail when she called the number on the card. She decided to try. “Hello, I would like to schedule an appointment to speak with someone. Please give me a call back at this number.”