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Maya laid on the couch on a rare day off, sipping coffee and scrolling through Instagram, until she landed on a post that gave her pause. It was certainly a picture of Yukishiro Akira, but she looked to be about 16, tall and lanky, halfway between teenager and adult, posing in a leopard coat over a purple dress and black tights - a very early 2000s fashion statement - at some afterparty. In the corner of the shot was Kirin, watching her as he leaned on the bar, a martini in hand. The caption was long, and Maya had to click expand to read the whole thing.
To my fans, to those who have supported me through the years, and to those who have not. I must confess I had the opportunity to be brave, to stand with my peers, and I could not do so at the time. I know I am not known for my proficient use of social media, but I am asking you to listen to me now, just this once. I would like to atone. The man named Suzuki Rinsho, the man accusing Saijou Claudine and Kocho Shizuha of libel, is lying. I have witnessed his actions against Shizuha firsthand, and I was also his victim. I do not want this to become a back-and-forth of accusations, but I do want the chance to present my story. I met Suzuki-san when I was seventeen years old, and we worked together over two campaigns…
Maya read through Akira’s testimony, laying bare her account of meeting Kirin, his kindness to her, him making her feel special to get her to agree to certain outfits or poses: in short, his grooming behaviors. Her report was worse, in a way, because instead of a magazine article, the comments section was right below her story, a confusing blend of encouragement from supporters, people telling her to shut up and model and thank the people that got her to the top, and comments calling her a liar.
Maya checked the time and realized she should start getting dressed, it was the day she was scheduled to get lunch with Claudine’s parents. She heard Claudine in the bathroom and made her way back to her bedroom first, finding an outfit, and picking out her jewelry for the day. She brushed her hair in front of her mirror, clipping it back into a half ponytail with her favorite blue bow. She wore navy blue pants with a white collared shirt under a gray cable knit sweater, simple silver earrings, and a matching silver bracelet. It wasn’t high fashion, but it was neat enough for a lunch appointment.
Claudine exited the bathroom and Maya applied her makeup, then packed a purse and put on her winter coat. They took the train to the university hospital in Shirokanedai, walking to a restaurant just outside the hospital campus. The sign was in French, and Maya didn’t have enough time to read it. “I’m sorry,” Claudine said quietly. “If there’s a French restaurant in the area, my mom will find it.”
“I’m sure I’ll enjoy it,” Maya assured her.
Claudine’s parents were already inside, her father connected to a small oxygen tank. They stood to greet them, and Claudine hugged and kissed them both, and Maya was surprised when the same greeting was extended to her. “It’s so nice to meet you,” Claudine’s mother said. “My name is Lena, and this is my husband Kōji.”
Once again, Maya was struck by their warmth and informality. They helped her order her meal, recommending their favorite French cuisine. They doted on Claudine, who they seemed to worry about endlessly. Meanwhile, Claudine nagged them right back, asking all about her father’s medical tests and making sure her mother was resting well. And yet, she wasn’t excluded.
“Maya, I heard you studied anthropology before this?” Claudine’s father asked. “Was the transition difficult?”
“No, Claudine helped me quite a bit, we’re nearly always together. It’s been going well.”
Claudine’s mother smiled. “You don’t need to be so humble. We know living with Claudine can be trying, but you seem well matched. She just needs help saying what she means,” her mother teased, smiling wryly at Claudine.
“Ayeee, maman…”
Maya noticed that Claudine didn’t contest this, and she wondered what it was that Claudine needed help saying. But sooner than expected, the lunch was over. Claudine insisted on walking her father back to his room at the hospital where he was staying for a few days, and Maya promised to meet her back at the station after she got a coffee. She said her goodbyes to the Saijou parents, wondering what the empty feeling in her chest was, but disliking it greatly.
She put on her winter hat, sunglasses, and a mask, her disguise as she wandered Tokyo. Walking out of the cafe, she checked her phone and saw a text message from Karen, reporting that Seiran agency was indeed going to be helping HANA with spring runway. They had previously been unavailable, but it seemed that Suzu had found a way to manipulate things and got them back on the contract. She wondered what stake Suzu had in the game.
More importantly, she wondered what it would be like to work so closely with Koharu over the next couple weeks. “What are you so focused on?” Claudine asked, sneaking up on her just outside the station.
“Nothing much. Let’s go home.”
The next morning was set to be the day to begin rehearsals for the spring runway, the day to see the beginnings of Mahiru’s reflective stage design in action, along with the fruits of the labors of the other staff at HANA, however Maya could not be roused.
She knew that she needed to start the coffee, water the plants, take her supplements, get dressed and start doing these things now if she wanted time to complete them all per her routine, but instead she found herself almost glued to the mattress, enjoying the way her limbs depressed into the plush cover, languishing in the way that motionlessness felt.
In a turn of events, it was Claudine who came knocking at Maya’s door, stepping into the room first tentatively, then more quickly, as she rushed forward feeling for a fever. Detecting none, she set the coffee she brought down on the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed.
“What’s going on?” Claudine asked quietly.
Maya wasn’t sure how to articulate what she was feeling, so she didn’t reply. She watched Claudine bite her lip, and wondered what she was theorizing, and how correct she was. “Do you need a day off?” is all she asked, and Maya paused for a moment, mentally reviewing the appointments on the docket for that day: a radio interview that the two of them were supposed to attend together, a meeting to review the in-house runway show, and several sessions of fittings and promotion photos for the spring runway events. Knowing these were urgent, but not so urgent they couldn’t wait a day, she nodded.
“Sure. I’ll take the radio interview myself, it’s no problem.”
Maya wondered why Claudine didn’t question her choice of a sick day, why she didn’t try to get to the bottom of her sudden reluctance to leave bed, but she didn’t have any time to ask as Claudine dashed away, bringing Maya a glass of water, the pain relief medicine, and the novel she was in the middle of before collecting her things and heading off. “Call me if you need anything, I’ll bring it back with me!” she said before she left.
And then Maya was alone. She felt as though she should get dressed, at least. As the day stretched out before her, she felt like she should take a jog, take a shower, take her vitamins, at least. But she did none of those things. She simply laid in bed, scrolling on her phone a bit, sipping the water Claudine brought her, and sleeping on and off.
In early afternoon, she found herself staring at the ceiling, counting the tiny dots of discoloration above her head. She could only find four - their apartment was fairly nice and newly renovated, after all - and her mind soon wandered. She wondered why she couldn’t get up, why she couldn’t get herself to go to work. Back when they had been forcibly kept home when Claudine’s exposé article came out, she had been restless, eager to get back to work, feeling trapped in the apartment. Now it was the opposite. She liked the calm, stagnant feeling inside, and felt anxiety as the shadows grew longer, signaling the end of the day and another upcoming.
It was the incident with the fans, and the car, in a way. She was not used to such crowds, such people following her and being interested in her and stopping at nothing to gain access to her life. But it was also Koharu. She was taken aback by the news that Seiran would once again be working with HANA on the spring runway. After all, Koharu had been clear that she wanted her own contracts - something ambitious and independent, not continuing on as hired help season after season. She wasn’t sure how to face Koharu, not after their last meeting.
And it was also the meal she shared with Claudine’s parents. The affection she could see that they held for one another, the kindness and open emotion, it was like lead that pressed down on Maya’s chest. She thought of her own mother, so cold and distant, despite their closeness in the industry, and of her father, who tried his best, but was always more concerned about her career than her happiness. Seeing what she didn’t realize she wanted, close enough to touch, but unable to grasp it - it left her emptier than she could remember feeling in a long time.
Maya got out of bed before Claudine came home, did the dishes from Claudine’s breakfast and was on the couch reading her novel when Claudine arrived home. Claudine eyed her suspiciously, as if she knew that Maya had just gotten out of bed, but she greeted her normally and came into the living room to share the takeout she brought home.
Maya ate well, as it was her first meal that day, and listened as Claudine updated her on Mahiru’s plans for the spring runway stage: a curved and mirrored floor for the runway, crystals hanging from the ceiling, clear acrylic chairs for the guests, and a plush green floor.
“Mahiru says it’s alright, if you need another day, just text her and she’ll rearrange your schedule.”
Maya shook her head. “No, it’s fine. I’m going back tomorrow. I just needed to catch up on sleep, I think.”
Claudine nodded, her mouth full with another bite of dinner. She swallowed before answering. “I kind of know how you feel,” she said. “I mean… I still don’t know how this thing with Kirin is going to turn out, but when the news first broke, I felt like I didn’t want anyone to see me.” She laughed, looking away from Maya for a moment. “I mean, back when I first left my contract with him, after I first realized what a scumbag he was, I ran away from everyone… I hid in that little town for years. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a day off every once in a while.”
Maya felt like Claudine extrapolated a lot from her wanting a single day off of work, but she wasn’t wrong, exactly. Still, she couldn’t help but say what’s on her mind, the pesky thought that nagged at her now and again. “You didn’t have to come back,” she said, calmly. “You don’t have to do the things that remind you of then… the industry events he’s bound to be at, the more suggestive shoots. No one would blame you.”
She meant it supportively, she wanted to tell Claudine that it was alright if there were things that still make her uncomfortable, that she would understand, but she was surprised to be met with a look of uncomprehending confusion on Claudine's face. “Of course they would blame me, have you been paying attention?” she asked, her pose now stiffened.
“I wouldn’t blame you,” Maya assured her. And she wouldn’t. To trust Kirin so implicitly in her youth, only to have the rug pulled out from under her - to realize his words were lies to get her to… she shook her head. She didn’t have a mental image to depict, luckily, but she kept being reminded of that picture of young Akira and Kirin lurking just feet away, drink in hand.
“Listen,” Claudine said, standing, “I appreciate what you’re saying, but the work I choose to take is my business. If I need advice, I’ll ask Sensei, or my mom, or my therapist, maybe even Yachiyo, but I don’t need it from someone who’s been in the business for half a year and isn’t even sure if she wants to commit!”
Maya watched, shocked into silence, as Claudine’s cheeks grew pink with emotion.
“Take less work! Easy for you to say, when you can just go back to your other career! For some of us, we need to do all we can now, before we’re too old or too irrelevant.” She turned away, to the bedroom or bathroom out of Maya’s line of sight down the hall.
Maya sat on the couch, surprised at the rapid turn of events. She replayed the conversation over a few times, trying to tease out the real meaning. She couldn’t be sure, but she felt that it was more to do with Claudine’s stress over her work longevity than it was about Maya giving her advice. Still… it hurt to be chided by someone she considered a close friend, especially when she was giving well-intentioned advice. Her jaw was tight, and she realized belatedly she had been clenching it tightly while she listened to Claudine and while she sat thinking. She tried to relax her muscles with some stretching before getting ready for bed once more.
The next morning, she got up as usual, resuming her typical routine. Everything is fine she assured herself as she watered the plants, took her supplements, and prepared the morning coffee. Claudine came out of her room a bit late, looking less well-rested than usual, and they set off for the car that would drive them to work.
“Listen, Maya,” she said as they descended the elevator. “I’m sorry about last night. I… I’ve just been really stressed, but that’s no reason for me to take it out on you.”
Maya nodded, appreciating Claudine’s acknowledgement of her outburst. She wondered if this was why Claudine looked sleep deprived, if she had been up late worrying about offending Maya. “Thanks,” she said as they exited into the lobby. Maya still wondered the reason behind the words, but they moved on to lighter topics, and she didn’t push it.
At work, they were immediately sent into a meeting about the catalogue. Junna was up front with a cup of coffee in hand, and she made Claudine look entirely well-rested in comparison. Her hair was in a messy ponytail, and she was wearing an old zip-up track jacket with faded jeans. In short, she looked ragged, at her wits end about the catalogue.
“We still need quality checks on pages 42-64,” she said, reading off of hand-written notes.
“We are on it,” someone called out.
“We need new shots of the Crystal Garden collection for the inside of the back cover,” she continued.
“I’ll get them today, now that Tendo-san is here,” Nana said, her voice calm and assured.
“The captions or prices are missing from 12-A, 15-C…”
Maya tuned Junna out as she continued on, enjoying the hectic workplace of the company just before a launch, but also finding herself a little distant. She was told where to go, when to be there, how to look - these meetings never had anything for her to intervene on directly.
Soon enough, Futaba took over, informing them of the security changes for the spring runway. There would be new transport, along with a security team checking packages coming in, ensuring no one could rush up to the stage, and watching out for nuisance paparazzi or dangerous fan situations. Maya listened more attentively here, but still, she knew mostly she would just do as she was told.
Finally, she was ushered downstairs to take the final reshoots for the catalogue, her hair and makeup meticulously re-styled to match the previous shoots, and she signed out a tiny bit early. “No workout today?” Claudine asked, as they took the hired car home together.
Maya shook her head. “Not tonight.” She wanted to tell Claudine about Koharu, about the confession, about her struggles in general, but the words won’t come, caught in her throat as they wound their way out of Ginza. Perhaps getting lashed out at last night over the takeout had made her a bit more closed-off from Claudine, and if so, who could blame her?
Instead, she rested her head against the car window, trying to clear her stray thoughts - alone, as always. She saw a picture of herself and Koharu fake-fighting over a bowl of popcorn in a loungewear set in an oversized shop window and felt herself becoming emotional. She wondered if she had any friends at all, really. Claudine, perhaps, but it was hard to count someone you occasionally slept with as a normal friend. Karen, Mahiru, Futaba… also maybe, though Maya tended to keep them at arms length. No, Koharu was really the one who fit the bill, and now she was off-limits.
Maya felt tears welling up in her eyes and blinked them back. She hated crying, especially in public. She took a deep breath to calm herself, and turned away from the window. “What should we get for dinner?” she asked Claudine.