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Claudine woke to her alarm, and rolled over in bed to check the notifications on her phone. The coldest part of winter had passed, and the weather app informed her that the temperature was unseasonably warm today, which cheered her up more than it probably should, but she was so sick of bundling up just to step out on the sidewalk into the hired car that she was grateful for a day where she could get away with a lighter jacket.
She also spied a text from Yachiyo and opened it. I think I’m nearly there with Fumi and Shiori, it said. Claudine had forgotten about the rift between the Yumeojis in all the hubbub of the winter season, which she felt bad about. She had made the effort to reach out to Shiori in the fall, and then after that sort of lost track of the issue. She was grateful for Yachiyo, at least, for trying to help the sisters patch things up. But then again, as a Siegfeld designer, Yachiyo had slightly more stake in this than Claudine did, with one sister a Siegfeld model and the other a former model for the company.
Claudine replied to Yachiyo, wishing her luck and offering to help in any way she could, and then checked the rest of her emails, twitter and instagram updates, and various notifications. She had one other text message from her mother, reporting that she and Claudine’s father were safely back at home, and her father might even be able to return to work, albeit in a more relaxed, low-stress office job, next month. She asked her mother to keep her updated, then she put the phone down again so she could begin getting ready.
Maya had made the coffee, but it seemed she was off on her morning jog, as the apartment was empty. Claudine wondered how Maya was doing, after her ‘mental health day’ last week, but it wasn’t easy to read Maya, as she didn’t often share her feelings. Claudine sipped her coffee and picked up her phone again to check the schedule: today the catalogue debuted, so she would have work at the office in the morning, and then more rehearsals, this time at the venue for HANA’s in-house show, that afternoon.
Maya returned just as Claudine finished her coffee, sweating slightly and looking as good as always in her workout gear. Claudine bit the inside of her lip, suppressing an urge to stare as Maya pulled her hair out of a ponytail and let it fall loose. “Good morning,” she greeted Claudine, as polite as ever.
“Happy catalogue day,” Claudine replied with a quirk of her brow, Maya’s knowing look confirming that she was also certain of what Claudine knew: When they got to the office today, everyone would either be celebrating or in crisis mode.
“Yes, how the time flies,” Maya said, sipping some water as Claudine poured her a cup of coffee. Her tone wasn’t sarcastic - Maya was rarely sarcastic, but merely speculative. Claudine wondered if she was thinking of the end of their contract, and suddenly, she realized she hadn't thought about the end of their contract in months.
In the beginning, she was eager for the time to pass, but now - now she wasn’t so sure. She didn’t know Maya’s plans, she didn’t know if HANA wanted them back another year, and she wasn’t sure what she would be doing after July. Most importantly, she worried she was running out of time to figure out her relationship with Maya: that Maya would move from their shared apartment and she would never see her again. Maya would ascend to some untouchable celebrity status, and she would slink home to Yokohama, slightly richer but not much else for it.
“Claudine?” Maya’s voice shook her from her thoughts, and she realized she had been holding Maya’s coffee hostage this entire time. She shook her head, getting her focus back, and handed the mug to Maya.
“I’m going to go get ready,” she said, suddenly more affected than normal by the smell of Maya beside her: laundry, sweat, and something floral. It was familiar now, she loved it.
Once they were both dressed, they made their way downstairs to where the hired car was waiting. Claudine still felt strange about taking the car when the bus was right down the street, but she had come to accept it as normal by now.
As they drove, she dwelled on her confrontation with Maya the other night. Even now, days later, she still could feel herself flush with embarrassment over the cruel things she said, spewing her own fears and insecurities as weapons against Maya. And Maya handled it like she did everything: with calmness and grace, and a little hint of the pride she possessed, pride that her six months in the industry was worth more than someone with years of experience. And it wasn’t unfounded - Maya was just that good.
Claudine tried to chalk this frustration up to thoughts any model would have - that eventually she’ll be too old, too used up for more work, and what then? But truthfully, she knew there was another, more personal reason she lost her temper at Maya the other night. It wasn’t that Maya only had six months experience and shouldn’t be giving her advice, it was precisely because Maya was at the level she was at in such a small time. If Maya was on Claudine’s level already, soon she would be far beyond, and soon no one would have any use for Saijou Claudine. Claudine knew it was irrational as she thought it - surely she would be able to find more work, but her mind returned to the thoughts from this morning - that Maya would no longer have to be around her - she would have her pick of work and company.
She was taken from her thoughts as Maya leaned forward and asked the driver to let them out early, and led her to the newsstand near the coffee shop next to the building’s lobby.
“Tendo Maya, are you going to pay for a copy of the catalogue you’re on the cover of?” Claudine asked, but in truth, she was tempted to do the same. It was always uncanny, even years later, seeing published images of herself available for purchase. Maya’s reply, however, was cut off as she spied her face in a face she didn't expect - the bottom corner of a celebrity tabloid.
She picked up the offending article, looking at the small photo of herself, no more than two inches tall. She was obviously not the main fodder, this week, a fact she was at least a little grateful for. She placed the photo, it was evening, as she was leaving the hospital on the second to last night of her father’s stay. The text below, told a different story: “Saijou Claudine spotted leaving hospital. Is her condition poor ahead of spring runway?”
She was pleased at least that her family did not get dragged into this mess, but frustrated that the tabloid was allowed to publish sensational headlines with absolutely no fact-checking whatsoever. She glanced at the cover story - something about a pop singer husband’s extra-marital affair, and wondered if even that story had a hint of truth. Certainly the singer wouldn’t want such a thing broadcast to the general public.
But it seemed Maya had finished her purchase, as she came to stand beside Claudine. “What are you looking at?” Maya asked, but Claudine knew she was sharp, she had already caught a glimpse.
“Nothing. How does the catalogue look?” she asked, putting the tabloid back and turning towards the Hanayagi Building.
“Great. I think everyone will be happy with it.” They flipped through the pages in the elevator, the door to the floor of their first meeting opening to an almost reflected scene of Nana looking over the catalogue with Hisame, both of them excitedly pleased over small details. Claudine had forgotten that Seiran agency would be supporting the spring runways as they had in the fall, so she nearly called Hisame by Junna’s name when greeting them.
“Good morning, Kuro-san! Good morning Maya-san!” Nana called, looking up as they walked out of the elevators. “The meeting is starting soon, there’s coffee in the boardroom. I’m just catching up with Hisame-san.”
They nodded politely and settled around the large table in the meeting room, sipping the second coffee of the day. Claudine realized it likely wouldn’t be the last - with meetings in the morning and runway rehearsal in the afternoon (and likely into the evening).
Koharu and Suzu arrived at the same time as Mahiru and Karen, Suzu helping Mahiru set up her presentation about the runway. Claudine did not miss the hand Suzu placed on Mahiru’s arm, and wondered if Seiran getting back on the contract after originally having a conflict had anything to do with this bit of affection. But she didn’t have time to ponder this, as her attention turned to the incredibly awkward reunion of Maya and Koharu.
“Good morning, Claudine, Tendo-san,” Koharu said, sitting down distractedly in a chair across the table.
“Good morning, Yanagi-san,” Maya replied. “How are you?”
“I’m well, thanks,” Koharu replied, fiddling with the coffee in front of her.
Claudine watched them and their stilted, poor attempts at small talk until Kaoruko entered the room, calling the meeting to order.
“Alright, let’s get started,” Kaoruko said, the digital catalogue on the projection screen. “Hoshimi-han, let’s hear your report on the catalogue launch, shall we?” No one answered, and Kaoruko looked around the room searching out Junna. “...Hoshimi-han?”
“I can find her,” Mahiru said, already texting rapidly on the mobile phone that never left her hands.
“No, I need you to report on the runway plans for the next few weeks.”
“I’ll go!” Claudine said, at the same time Karen offered.
Kaoruko looked between them, deciding which one was expendable. “Saijou-san, you go find Junna. Make sure she’ll at least be at the runway rehearsal this evening. You can get all the information you missed from Maya later on. Aijou-san, I need you here to report on our social media campaigns.”
Claudine nodded and left the meeting room, wondering where exactly Hoshimi Junna would be hiding, and why. She first walked to Junna’s desk, the most logical place she might be hiding, and also conveniently on the same floor. It seemed, however, that Junna understood that she shouldn’t be seated at her desk while a company-wide meeting was going on, so the desk was empty. Claudine spied several things on Junna’s desk: her spare pair of glasses, a photograph of her and Nana at a high-profile afterparty, an old photo of Nana modeling, and an old Hong Kong cinema film.
Claudine tried the lobby next, thinking perhaps Junna was stuck in line waiting for her drink, despite Junna never being late for such a reason, and there being plenty of coffee in the meeting room. From the ceiling of the lofted lobby hung banners of Claudine and Maya in the Crystalline promotional clothing, a new addition since this morning. Claudine asked the desk attendant if she had seen Junna recently, and was advised to try looking downstairs, as she saw Junna descending the stairs earlier.
Claudine wondered what Junna could be doing in the basement, but took the advice nonetheless. The main reasons they went to the level below the lobby were either to access the parking garage, or to use the large, warehouse-style photo studios.
It was at one of these photo studios that Claudine noticed the lights had been turned on. She approached and could see Junna’s silhouette, sitting at the desk typically used by the shoot director to check proofs, and scrolling endlessly through forums and blog posts about the catalogue. She took a couple seconds before she announced herself, watching Junna read review after review.
“Hoshimi-san?” Claudine asked at last, expecting the startled way Junna jumped at the sound of her name but still feeling bad for being the cause.
“Ah… Saijou-san,” Junna said, minimizing the browser window. The computer background showed a photo of Junna taken candidly as she was at a summer festival, and Claudine realized this must be Nana’s account. Junna sounded tired, enormously so, and she didn’t even ask what Claudine was doing down there, she just waited for Claudine’s next move.
“You didn’t come to the all-hands meeting,” Claudine said. “We were worried.”
“You can tell them all you found me safe and sound, there’s no reason to worry,” Junna said, averting her eyes.
“No, I can’t,” Claudine stated firmly, holding her ground. “Junna what is going on? Why won’t you go to the meeting?” Just as she said the words, Claudine remembered Junna’s strange behavior at the Tokyo Tower shoot. She remembered the dejected look in Junna’s eyes when she was told not to control everything at the shoot, and saw it mirrored here again in the present.
“I can’t face them!” Junna said, pulling her glasses off and tossing them on the desk, rubbing her hand over her face wearily. “Everyone up there has done their job perfectly: from Hikari and Kaoruko’s designs to Mahiru and Futaba’s planning and organizing, you and Maya modeling the clothing perfectly, Nana’s photos are better than ever. Even Karen - who was an intern a couple months ago - is handling multiple social media pages with ease and increasing our company’s relevance day by day. It’s just me - only me - who is falling behind!”
Claudine stepped closer, moving slowly as if she was approaching a wounded animal. “What is this nonsense? You designed a beautiful catalogue, everyone is up there admiring it!” But truthfully, Claudine knew these words would have no effect. She recognized in Junna what she had seen in herself, in Yachiyo, in Shizuha, in dozens of others she had encountered in the industry: The idea that you yourself are not enough, that your expiration date is approaching, that your best work is already behind you. A terrible mindset that logic and reason could not easily shake.
“That’s not what they’re saying online!” Junna accused, turning back to the computer and pulling up the forum again before reading aloud. “The catalogue is just a repeat of the previous… The layout suffers - it’s confusing matching the product with the description… It’s fine, I guess - I suppose I can’t be ‘wowed’ every season like I was in the fall.”
“I think that’s enough of that for now,” Claudine said, leaning over Junna to close out of the browser. Just as she did, an SMS alert popped up in the corner of Nana’s screen, from Honami Hisame. Do you think everything is alright?
Claudine’s hand hovered over the mouse, her body temporarily frozen as they both read the message and imagined the implications, and then she let go, moving her arms to hug Junna from behind. She wasn’t sure what brought this upon her - she wasn’t exactly a touch-y person, but she wanted more than anything to give Junna a bit of comfort - if only to prove to herself that these things are not as bad as they seemed. “Look at you, getting everyone worried,” she said quietly into Junna’s ear. Whether Nana and Hisame were anything but colleagues or friends, that was a matter for another time.
Claudine could feel Junna blushing, but eventually she relaxed into Claudine’s embrace. “I just… I don’t want to be the one dragging everyone down, but I also don’t want to be the one left behind. I know this catalogue looks like the last one - but I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I’ve hit a wall.”
“What do you want?” Claudine asked her, realizing as she said it she had been asked the same thing from her therapist. She wondered if, at the end of the day, all the women in this industry for long enough suffered from the same insecurities, the same doubts about their value, their passion, their expiration.
Junna sighed. “I don’t know. I want to continue here, side by side with everyone, helping the company achieve the highest notoriety it ever has. I feel like our team right now is talented enough to do it. But I feel this stagnation, as well.”
“You think we need to change,” she offered.
Junna sighed. “When Karen was an intern, when we first were developing the plan for this year, she mentioned a Hong Kong nightlife shoot. But Karen was promoted, the plan fell by the wayside, and, I don’t know. It was the last time I felt excited about something new in my work. Part of me wonders if it wouldn’t be better if I went abroad for a bit - honed my skills somewhere else.”
Claudine wanted to ask how much of the desire to get away had to do with doubts about her relationship with Nana, but she swallowed that down and instead asked, “Why don’t you take it on, the Hong Kong project? I’m sure Kaoruko would be on board if you presented her with the rationale and a plan. I’m sure Karen already laid some of the groundwork.” Claudine realized then why she was encouraging Junna to stay: proving that Junna’s fears of irrelevance were unfounded might ease her own. She felt a bit of shame course through her as she realized she was giving this advice so casually when she herself had run away from the industry for years.
Junna sighed. “Maybe. That’s worth some thought.”
“Well at the very least, stop doomscrolling. Let’s get a coffee?”
Junna nodded, getting up slowly. She seemed to be willing to go with Claudine if it didn’t involve returning to the meeting. “Yeah, alright.”
That evening, after hours of runway rehearsal, Claudine found herself on her usual commute home - tucked into the back of a hired car beside Maya, both of them exhausted and hungry. She leaned her head on Maya’s shoulder, peeking at the delivery menu Maya had pulled up on her phone. “The pork belly sounds good,” she said, knowing that with runway around the corner the most indulgent foods would have to wait. “Or the salmon.”
She watched Maya tap in their order, and glanced down at her own phone as she saw a few notifications come through.
Yachiyo <3: did u see this?
Claudine tapped the link Yachiyo had attached to the message, an article about how there is a new investigation pending against Kirin thanks to the collective information that has come from several alleged victims, including herself, Yukishiro Akira, and several others. She looked at the image in the article - a man that she once thought truly cared about her, truly wanted her to succeed on her own terms, and felt a new sadness, perhaps for the lost innocence of her younger self. It was impossible not to see the Kirin she first met side by side with the Kirin she had grown to hate.
Claudine felt Maya squeeze her hand and realized that now Maya was the one reading over her shoulder. “You alright?” she asked.
Claudine nodded. “Yeah.” She meant to elaborate, but lost the words, focused as she was on the man in the photo. He looked so old so much older than when she had met him, but she supposed she could say the same about herself. She smiled a little to herself. She was not special to him, she was nothing but a cog in his manipulative machine. All of her success, her merits, belonged to her still, and she was still rising while hopefully Kirin was coming down to earth - to a reality where he must atone for his actions. She turned the screen off, biting her lip as she practiced the words in her head before turning to Maya to say them. She felt vulnerable, but she was advised by her therapist to be more honest. “Listen, Maya… thanks for being patient with me, I think I’m nearly there.”
She didn’t explain where ‘there’ was, but the solemn nod Maya gave her and the hand that remained squeezing her own were enough to tell her the message was received.