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Chapter 39
The day after returning from Hong Kong, Claudine took a day off. Naturally, Maya did not, reporting to work as promptly and bright-eyed as always. Claudine sat on the balcony of their apartment, perched on a cushion, sitting all the way towards the rail that stopped her from plummeting a dozen stories to her death. She had brought out a blanket to chase away the early spring chill, but she really didn’t notice the temperature. She wasn’t sick, that wasn’t why she didn’t go to work. But she wasn’t sitting out here to enjoy the nice morning, she needed to do something she hadn’t done in a long time - she wanted to feel the terrifying expanse of the bay.
She wasn’t sure how much time had passed before she heard the sliding door open once again. The sun was still high enough in the sky that Maya should still have been at the agency, so she wondered who in the world had gotten into her high-security apartment. She pictured the uptight doorman who did have the ability to buzz into the doors, out of position, now standing on her private balcony, and the thought made her laugh.
“What’s so funny, Saijou?” came the sharp voice of Souda-sensei.
The joke ran its course and Claudine returned to staring at the bay. Souda Sawa was one person who could read Claudine too easily, so she knew better than to turn around.
Undeterred, Souda continued. “You’re not taking Yakumo-san’s calls. You were late to an appointment the day before you left for Hong Kong.”
Tentatively, Claudine opened her mouth, testing to see if any words would come. She could feel her throat close almost immediately, sure that if she tried to explain herself, she’d begin to cry. She’d cried to Souda too many times already, that was for certain. Slowly, she closed her mouth, contemplating for the ten-thousandth time in her life how deep and dark the bay was.
“Yachiyo gave me the code to your apartment, and I’m glad she did, you’re freezing cold,” said Souda, reaching for Claudine’s shoulder where the blanket had slipped down.
Claudine made a conscious effort not to flinch. Souda re-arranged the blanket, bringing another from inside the apartment but knowing better than to ask Claudine to move inside. Finally, done fussing, she sat, back to back with Claudine on the ground of the tiny balcony. She sipped on the coffee she brought, and the cloud of breath she released blew out past Claudine’s line of sight.
“You were the same way when you were small, you know,” said Souda, after a moment of silence. “Always on, shining and brilliant on the runway, and when the cameras were on, but sometimes, you’d come backstage and just lose all your energy.”
Because everyone always was leaving me, Claudine thought. First my parents, going back to France and leaving me with that terrible man, then Yachiyo going to Edel, now Maya, leaving HANA for that stupid elite contract.
“I never said thank you,” Claudine said quietly.
“For what? I didn’t even bring you a coffee this morning,” said Souda with a laugh.
“For when I was a kid. And Yachiyo. It probably wasn’t easy, or “cool” to be a senpai to us, especially to some brat with terrible Japanese and a diva personality.”
Souda laughed. “Please. Your Japanese is fine. But you’re welcome. Now come inside. I lied, I did bring you a coffee.”
Slowly, Claudine stood, her joints now sore from the long time spent in the cold, folded up in the tight position. She snuck one last look at the bay and followed Souda inside.
“What do you want, Claudine?” asked Souda, now unwrapping pastries from a couple of cartons.
Claudine sipped at the coffee, eyeing the pastries reticently. “What are you talking about?”
“Well, usually people get down because they’re facing a major decision. What decision do you want to make?”
Claudine shook her head. “It’s not like that. It’s out of my control.” She wondered if that was true, exactly. She had renewed her contract quickly, eager for that decision to be over with, but she had left Maya hanging, Maya’s offer mulling her mind since they left Hong Kong.
Souda smiled slyly, pulling off a piece of a pastry and putting it in her mouth. “Ah, so you’re fretting over someone else?”
I’m fretting because I can only become Japan’s top model if I have someone beside me, pushing me every day, competing with me. If she leaves me… if she tries to rise to that position from somewhere else… where does that leave me? What will be left of Saijou Claudine?
“I can’t… put it into words exactly,” said Claudine. And her mind was back to swirling over career and love, over her personal life mingled into professional, and the deleterious spiral such a thing had last time it happened. She wanted to date Maya, so badly, but she also wanted Maya beside her, driving her higher, pushing her further.
Claudine at HANA without Maya would wither, would just become average. And Claudine with Maya and HANA, but only as friends would be torturous, the sort of pain she knew they both felt in each of the Hong Kong shoots. It was a good thing such feelings fit the mood.
“Claudine?”
“Sorry, what?”
“I said, will you call Yakumo back, when you get a chance?”
Claudine nodded, and said goodbye to Souda, thanking her again for the coffee and the check-in. She decided, after all, that she would stop into work today, though she knew everyone would be swamped with the catalogue work. Or just about everyone….
Hikari was exactly where Claudine thought she would be, in her little tucked-away office with the miniscule balcony, holed up with her dress forms and shelves of reference books and potted plants in various states of half-alive and half-dead appearance. Claudine spotted Hikari’s precious jellyfish keychain pinned to a corkboard hanging over her drafting table, along with several design sketches.
“Oh, great, put this on and lean against that window,” Hikari said, tossing a garment at Claudine as a form of greeting. Her absolute lack of surprise at seeing Claudine was amusing and Claudine changed into what she found out was a trench coat without complaint, leaning against the desired windowsill while Hikari began her sketch. Claudine spotted a pack of cigarettes on the arm of the nearby couch and took one, cracking the window to blow her smoke outside.
“You’re still designing, even after the catalogue is in production?” Claudine asked.
“It’s expected Daiba-san is going to win an award at the Tokyo Summer Fashion Awards. I’m designing something for her to wear on stage.”
“Oh, I forgot about those.”
Hikari didn’t respond, merely continued her sketch as Claudine smoked and looked at the small gap through Hikari’s window between the HANA office tower and the next building over, down at the busy Ginza street below. It was evening now, and office workers were pouring out of both buildings. Claudine wondered if one of them was Maya.
It was nice, sitting here with Hikari. She didn’t ask why Claudine skipped work, and didn’t ask why she came in now. She didn’t ask what was happening with her and Maya. But you do have to decide, a nagging voice told her. You can’t ask for more time and not answer her ever.
“Hikari, do you think… oh nevermind.” Claudine turned away to stare out the window again, too nervous to really bring up the conversation with Hikari. She thought about the last time she smoked in this office - after an argument with Maya - and how Hikari actually gave her useful advice back then. Maybe that was why she kept coming back here.
Hikari’s pencil stopped scratching at the paper and she looked at Claudine. “I think,” she said, “That you mete out little bits of happiness to yourself, here and there, like you don’t deserve to be fully happy. A cigarette here, a glimpse at the bay there. I think you need to try a big, full happiness, even though it’s risky.”
“Even though something bad could happen…”
“Something bad can always happen.”
Claudine nodded, considering Hikari’s words. “Ok, I’ll think about that.”
“Please. I’ve gotta meet Karen for dinner now. Want to come?”
Claudine shook her head. “I think I need to talk to Maya. Next time, though.”
They said goodbye, and Claudine walked slowly from the building, amused when she spied Futaba still in her office so late. She was certainly back to her normal self now, tapping away on her phone with multiple screens up on her monitors. Claudine could see the light still on in Kaoruko’s office behind hers, and was sure the two would be in late tomorrow morning.
She walked a ways first, trying to organize her thoughts before facing Maya. What Hikari said surprised her, but it was good advice. Being happy didn’t sound bad at all. She had never thought of herself staring at the water as anything but melancholy, as taking in the vastness of the water as a void, a dark and heavy sort of dreariness. But now that Hikari pointed it out, she did see the sea as a comfort, she was always looking for it in times of sadness because it brought her calmness and bliss. She didn’t find the water sad, she craved it to make her feel better.
And if Hikari understood her better than she understood herself, perhaps she was right on another count: she should pursue her happiness, she should return Maya’s feelings. Even if she wasn’t sure where Maya would be next year, if they were dating, then at least Maya would be near.
She boarded the bus at the next stop and took it down to Kachidoki, walking the short distance home. Maya was up in the apartment already, preparing some of their favorite Korean-style convenience store entrees. “Where were you? I didn’t expect you to be out,” Maya asked, and Claudine could see the concern in her face.
“Sorry, I ended up going into work for a bit at the end of the day. I should have messaged you.”
“Is everything alright?”
Claudine took off her shoes, stepping properly into the apartment. She felt tense, unable to start the conversation she wanted to have. “Yes, it is. Say, Maya, can we talk?”
Maya nodded, plating the food quickly and carrying it to the living room, where she set it on the table before the couch. Claudine sat down on a cushion on one side of the table and Maya on the other, and Claudine knew all that was left was to open her mouth, to start the conversation, but it was difficult, it was what she had been putting off for some time now.
“Maya, I’m sorry for asking you for more time, but thank you for being patient with me. The truth is, I was just anxious about if we would be working together or not next year, and if it would be a good idea to date.”
Maya nodded. “Well, there’s no reason to worry any more. I signed my contract renewal with Mahiru today. It was the plan all along, but Yanagi-san needed me to keep Seiran interested until she got her renewal sorted with them, which she did this morning.”
Claudine internally cursed Koharu for causing her so much grief in the past couple weeks, but she knew that half of it was due to Maya not turning Seiran down in the first place, which would have been proper. “Oh, another year with you?” she replied, her joy and her annoyance combining into the safest response, teasing Maya.
“Looks like it. Is that why you were so down, because you thought I was leaving you?” Maya bit back. Claudine wanted to smack her.
“Of course not.” She grew serious, knowing it was necessary to be honest with Maya. “I was worried about returning your feelings. I thought it might be bad to be colleagues and dating, that it would be unprofessional, or that… I don’t know, it could be crossing a line that would lead to something bad. But it’s not breaking any rules. And well, I was advised to just… let myself try being happy.”
Maya smiled, and it wasn’t the smug smile Claudine expected, but a genuinely happy smile that showed off her pretty features. “So… do you want to be my girlfriend?”
Claudine nodded. “I do.”
The next morning, Claudine woke up in Maya’s bed. She spent a moment looking at Maya, who was still sleeping soundly beside her, her brown hair glowing golden in the early morning light streaming in through the windows. Her features were calm, relaxed, and Claudine was glad, after all the stress Maya had gone through with her family, with the invasive “fan”, with contract renewals, and with Claudine herself trying to sort out her feelings.
Maya stirred and readjusted herself, and only then did Claudine realize Maya’s hand was still wrapped around Claudine’s middle, still tucked under the camisole she was wearing to sleep. Maya’s hand against her bare skin gave her goosebumps, and she laid back on the pillow, enjoying the contact before inevitably they needed to get up for work.
For once, she didn’t want to immediately get up and shower away evidence of them having sex. She didn’t want to pretend it didn’t happen, and she didn’t feel guilty like indulging in sex with Maya was a weakness on her part. They were dating. They were girlfriends. Claudine was trying to fully embrace ‘being happy’. This was correct. It felt good to lay back and enjoy her time with Maya a little more before they had to get up.
“Morning,” Maya mumbled, her lilac eyes opening slowly against the bright sun. It was fully spring now, and the days were getting longer, with sun early in the morning and long into the evenings.
“Morning, sleepyhead. It’s not like you to sleep all the way to…” Claudine glanced at her phone, “...6:45.”
Maya laughed a little, a rare, genuine laugh that Claudine wanted to coax out of her more often. “You’re right, it is the height of laziness on my part.” But then she moved closer, snuggling back into Claudine’s chest, making no move to get up. “But I got a message from Mahiru last night, that with everyone working on the catalogue, we aren’t needed in the office until noon, so I think it’s alright just this once.”
Claudine sighed in. “Well just this once, then.”
Maya still had one hand wrapped around Claudine, but she used her free hand to trace patterns on Claudine’s forearm. They lay quietly for a bit, until Claudine could feel the tension building again. “What is it?” she asked, when she couldn’t take it any longer.
“Is this alright?” Maya asked, looking up to meet Claudine’s eyes. Her hair was mussed and she looked less mature than the usual level-headed multi-degree holding Maya, with absolutely no makeup and just her silly patterned pajamas on.
“Is what alright?”
“This. Us. Now that you’ve slept on it, do you regret it?”
Claudine pushed Maya back onto her side of the bed, then leaned over her to kiss her. “Are you trying to make me doubt myself, Tendo Maya?”
Maya looked sheepish and a little flushed from the kiss. She shook her head. “No, I just wanted to be certain you weren’t getting cold feet.”
“No, Maya. My feelings are the same as last night. I want this. I want you as much as I have wanted you all year, but now I am ready to actually try. I am sorry it took me so long.”
Maya did look smug then and reached up from underneath to pull Claudine back to the bed. “So you’re saying we ought to make up for lost time, then?”
“You are too much. But it is true we have some extra time this morning…” Claudine closed the distance between their lips, amused when she felt Maya’s hand reaching under her pajamas, but the tension was cut when her cell phone went off.
She turned herself aside to find the phone, hoping it wasn’t work and she could just ignore the call, but when she saw it was Yachiyo, she decided to pick up. “Yachiyo? What’s up?”
“Turn on the news.”
“We don’t have a TV.”
“Ugh, I’ll send you a link to a stream.”
“Oh, um, send it to Maya, since I’m on the phone with you.”
“Oh, is that a thing now? Congrats.”
“I mean, yeah, but I could have just said it because she lives with me.”
“Mhmm, and in your bed before 7? Please…” Claudine could hear her talking to someone else. “Ok sent.”
Claudine turned to Maya. “Maya, Yachiyo just sent you a link to open.” She turned back to the phone. “Like you have room to talk, weren’t you just talking to Akira, in bed before seven? What are you even doing up this early? Unless you haven’t even been to bed yet?”
“I have not, but just watch the news, it’ll make sense.”
Claudine crawled back over to Maya’s side of the bed to watch a news stream on Maya’s smartphone. The newscaster was announcing the results of the sentencing hearing for one Suzuki Rinsho, and Claudine almost forgot to breathe. Amongst everything that had happened, she forgot about the hearing. “The sentencing verdict is official, with no appeals process allowed until at least two years,” the newscaster was saying. “Suzuki-san is facing eighteen months imprisonment, 5 years probation, and a lifelong ban from working with minors in the entertainment and fashion industries.”
“Oh my god,” Claudine said, and she could faintly hear Akira saying the same thing on the other end of the line.
“Good riddance,” said Yachiyo. “He was always holding people back.” Yachiyo said this in a light, airy tone that belied the true hatred Claudine knew she held for Kirin.
“Good riddance,” Claudine echoed. She could feel Maya’s hand on hers, like the calming tide keeping her grounded in this wild revelation.
“Well, I better get to sleep. I’ll see you at the awards show, though!”
“Yes, go to bed, dummy. See you.”
Maya and Claudine got up soon after, the breaking news killing the mood, at least for the time being. But Claudine couldn’t let thoughts of Kirin keep her down for long. Every time she forgot, the thought “Maya is my girlfriend” reentered her mind after a few minutes, causing her to hug Maya while she was trying to make coffee, kiss Maya while she was trying to open her book, and generally try to occupy Maya’s attention so much, that Maya suggested they just go eat their breakfast together out on the patio.
“This is nice,” Maya said, as they ate in the spring sun, now that it was finally warming up. “We should get a little table and chairs. If we work it right, I think they’ll fit.”
Claudine nodded. It would be nice to do this with Maya, more and more. “We should.”