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Claudine woke up to her alarm, which wasn’t exactly rare, but she tended to shut it off and go back to sleep, until either Maya woke her or one of her many ‘emergency’ alarms woke her to rush to work.
Today, however, she was awake in an instant, as she blearily swiped the alarm notification away to find dozens of notifications on her phone. Hastily, she opened one from Yachiyo. ’Hey, it’s about 2AM. Just giving you a heads up that I got word from sources that Kirin is releasing an article tomorrow morning, and possibly a defamation lawsuit, claiming you and Shizuha’s article is libel against his industry reputation. It goes without saying, but obviously he’s saying it’s all false. I love you. Take care.’
She had a feeling what the rest of the notifications were, but she flipped through them anyway. There were links to the article itself from various people, messages from her parents, from Mahiru, from Futaba, one from Kaoruko herself. There was an email from her therapist, from Kyoko, and some messages from others she worked with: Suzu, Akira, and of course, Shizuha. She needed to call Shizuha.
But before she could dial, she saw the rest of the notifications. Dozens of comments, direct messages, and tagged posts calling her out as a ‘liar’, an ‘attention seeker’, ‘playing the victim’. Accusing her of trying to use a sob story to increase her popularity, or to ruin the reputation of someone who had worked for years to get to where he was, while she just used her looks to get paid. It was hard to breathe, suddenly. It was impossible to dial the phone. It was impossible to do anything.
She let the phone fall from her hand, back to the plush blanket. She wouldn’t risk breaking another phone so soon after she just bought one. And she didn’t want to alert Maya. She had been relying on Maya too much lately. She needed to stop using Maya as her emotional punching bag - it was why she enforced the distance between them in the first place.
But still, it was hard to move. The momentum they created by releasing that article seemed to be shoved back in their faces. In fact, Claudine felt worse off than when they started. Now, everyone knew her darkest secrets, but no one believed they were true. Her phone rang, and she picked it up without a thought, without even checking the caller ID.
“Hello?”
“Claudine! Good morning!”
“Mom!”
She hadn’t realized what a relief it would be to hear her mother’s voice, but it is like a balm, soothing the areas that are rubbed raw by the accusations. “Claudine, honey, I saw that awful piece this morning.”
“Mom…” And she didn’t have any more words. She just wanted to cry, and she let herself, one of the suggestions from the few therapy sessions she had been able to attend with her work schedule.
“Claudine, do you need a break?” her mother asked.
She sniffed, feeling better after a few minutes. “No. I don’t think so. It’s the same whether I’m working or just sitting around.” She thought of the two days locked in the apartment with just Maya, and decided working is definitely better.
“Well, your father needs to visit a specialist in Tokyo for a few days. We’ll be here the day after tomorrow. Perhaps we can see you if you have time, and your roommate as well.”
“Of course, yes mom.”
“I’ll text you the details.”
“Sure. I guess I should get ready for work.”
“Be careful. I love you.”
Claudine forced a smile, even though her mother wouldn’t be able to see it. “I love you too.”
When she got off the phone with her mother, there was a knock at the door. It was earlier than Maya’s usual wake up call, so she could only imagine it was to do with the Kirin article. “Come in,” she called, and Maya stepped in.
Claudine was more composed now, after talking to her mother, and after crying for a few minutes, but her news was still fresh in her mind, and there were still about 20 people on her phone she was still too stressed to respond to. Maya walked closer to sit on the bed, sitting down on the far end, leaving a sizable gap between them. Claudine felt the urge to move closer, to seek comfort in Maya, but she resisted.
“You saw the news, I assume,” Claudine said, allowing herself to be transfixed by Maya’s exposed shoulders in her pajamas, to gaze at the curve of Maya’s jaw both because it was beautiful, and because it was a welcome distraction.
“I did,” Maya confirmed. “You didn’t reply to Mahiru or Futaba, so I was asked to check if you were able to do the shoot this morning.”
Claudine shifted her gaze upward to meet Maya’s eyes: lilac, but set, boring into Claudine’s, as if she was trying to detect Claudine’s true feelings. She focused on not looking away, but it was hard, when someone was looking at her so intently, and with such care.
“Of course I’m going to work today,” she snapped. “What good would it do me to sit around here? Why does everyone keep asking me that?”
As soon as the words left her mouth, she wanted to take them back. She closed her lips firmly, as if trying to stop herself from saying more things she would regret. She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” she said after a moment. “I didn’t mean to snap. You had no idea my mom already asked me about that. I just…” She thought of her therapist, telling her to be more straightforward and honest with her feelings. “I’m scared. I’m overwhelmed. I’m angry. But I want to work.”
Maya nodded. “I’ll tell Mahiru. I’ll request the car for thirty minutes.”
“Sure. Thanks.”
When they arrived at the venue for the shoot that day, it appeared that the location hadn’t been leaked ahead of time. They walked in from the parking lot to the warehouse in peace, though Claudine wondered if it would be the same when they left in the afternoon. As she got her hair done, she flipped through her notifications.
She scheduled another appointment with the therapist Kaoruko recommended. She assured Kyoko she was fine and at work. She texted Shizuha, who seemed to be experiencing many of the same emotions she was, but who didn’t have the luxury of work as a distraction. ’It’s a mess here, like always,’ she wrote. ’Andrew’s in LA again so idk if he even knows either article was released, or if he cares. We don’t start runway prep til next week. A few of us are just camping out in Shizuoka because Tsukasa’s got friends there…’
Claudine was surprised to have a message from Akira, so she opened it away from prying eyes. ‘Call me when you get a chance,’ was all it said. She knew better than to mention the name in front of Maya, but she made a reminder to do so that evening, once work was over.
The shoot today was a promotional shoot for their spring runway, the final shoot of spring looks. It was their first look at some of the couture designs Kaoruko, Hikari, and the others had created, and their job today was to pose with them for ads, pamphlets, and projector slides during the runway show.
The set was a large area set up with mirrors, cool blue lighting, and silvery backdrops. Claudine’s hair was poofed up and brushed back into a ponytail, and her makeup was done into an exaggerated style with white eyeliner and heavy brows. Maya looked similar, with lined lips and a ponytail of her own. They reminded Claudine of French models more than Japanese.
As with most of the campaign, they posed in a mirrored fashion, against each other, with solo shots taken with the mirror, with both of them looking up or down at the camera, and so on. The dresses were gorgeous, with intricate lace and beadwork, some of Hikari’s favorite corset style and silver accents mixed with Kaoruko’s ethereal style and traditional Japanese trademarks. There were also a couple of suits in the mix, and they mirrored each other as they modeled these as well.
Claudine found it as easy as ever to work alongside Maya, but she could see it, almost imperceptibly - the pain on Maya’s face. She didn’t know if she put it there, or if it was from another cause, but being so close allowed her to see this nearly undetectable layer of Tendo Maya. And because of their current arrangement, she didn’t feel she had the right to demand to know the reason.
Unlike their arrival, their departure was marked by many fans lining the exit doors. She expected there to be some antis there, calling her a liar, calling her an attention seeker, but no one said anything mean at all. They all just screamed and cheered and called for attention, both from her and Maya. It was the first bit of light since her alarm went off. Still, she stayed by Futaba’s side, walking into the car without so much as a glance towards the people. It hurt, not sparing them a glance, and she bit the inside of her lip as she entered the waiting car.
She understood Maya; she was like Maya once. She wanted to greet the fans, she wanted to take photos, sign autographs. She wanted to interact on social media, wave out the car window, at least smile as she was passing them on her way to an obligation. But a friendly gesture to the wrong person was an invitation. And a kind word to the wrong person was a public relations disaster.
It was strange, in a way, she pondered, as she sat next to Maya in the car that took them back to their apartment. The thing that made Maya so popular, besides her great beauty, of course, was that she was accessible. She came from a background of a ‘normal’ job, she interacted with her fans, she sprung to the public spotlight with her talent not even a year ago - she was fresh and hardworking. It made sense that she was initially recruited as ‘light’.
Meanwhile, Claudine’s fame was built on distance, on her being placed away from everyone else. She’d been in the industry since childhood, she had never lived a ‘normal’ life. She kept a distance from her fans. She was a name most people were familiar with, for good or bad, but her quality of work was also high. Naturally she was recruited as ‘dark’.
And yet, there they sat, beside each other, complements for this year. Claudine watched as the fatigue of the day seemed to set into Maya’s shoulders on the ride home. The way she seemed to finally let down some of her persona when it was just the two of them sitting in the back of the car.
“I’m taking an alternate route,” the driver said, cutting into the silence as they rode through one of Tokyo’s business districts. “It appears there’s a car following us.”
“What?” Claudine looked out the back window, and sure enough, as the driver took a turn, a black sedan behind them did the same. “I’ll call Futaba,” she said.
She put Futaba on speaker, explaining the situation. “Don’t go back home,” she said. “You don’t want anyone to have your home address. “Even going onto Kachidoki is enough to help them narrow it down.”
The driver nodded, and Claudine appreciated him detecting the car following and changing the route ahead of getting to their neighborhood. Futaba sighed through the phone. “Can you ask to be rerouted to the office? We can have the building security on standby.”
“Sure,” Claudine said, asking and having the driver agree. They were close to Ginza anyways.
“Ok. I’ll meet you there.” Futaba hung up, presumably to make arrangements with security.
The driver pulled up to the bustling road that hosted the HANA offices, but the driveway to the parking garage was blocked by pedestrians. Some cheered as they approached, calling out to them, obviously fans of Maya or Claudine. Claudine could imagine how it happened, how the car behind them was tweeting out their location, or even live streaming their car. How when it became clear they were going back to the Ginza offices, in the middle of Tokyo’s fashion district, there were already dozens of fans in the area.
The driver honked the horn gently, carefully moving past them to the underground garage, the gate closing behind them until they were safely in the dark and quiet level beneath the tower, away from the bustle of the fans at street level. Maya and Claudine thanked the driver and entered the building, a security guard ensuring their safe entry. They waited upstairs in a conference room for Futaba to arrive.
“I wonder if it’s going to always be like this,” Claudine said. “If we have to watch our backs every time we have to drive home. I mean, how are we even going to get home tonight?”
Maya, sitting beside her, was calm as always, her worry from the shoot plastered over into a placid visage. “We’ll be fine. We’ll make it home like always.”
“But will we be followed? Will some YaYa stalker find our address?”
“Are you blaming me for this?” Maya asked, now looking at Claudine more pointedly.
“No. Yes. I don’t know. You always give your fans what they want, but sometimes don’t you think it’s dangerous?” Claudine asked. She could feel herself getting heated, a familiar knot tightening in her stomach. “You’re probably feeling bad even now, thinking you should go down and greet them.”
Maya looked stern but paused, as if she was choosing her response carefully. “And so what if I am? They came all this way to say hello. Shouldn’t I commend their efforts?”
Now Claudine stood. She was uneasy, it was hard to remain seated when her blood was rushing under her skin. “You don’t owe them anything!” She wasn’t sure if she was assuring Maya, or herself.
Maya remained seated, forever composed. It only served to irritate Claudine further. “Is this about access to me, or is this about your envy? You pushed me away, and your fans away, for that matter. You can’t have it both ways.”
Claudine felt her anger rise, and tears filled her eyes. She wasn’t going to cry in front of Tendo Maya, that was for sure. It would be like admitting defeat in the argument they just had. Out of options, she dashed from the room, unsure of where she was going except the vague notion of away.
She passed Futaba in the hall, who called out to her, but she rushed by, moving into the staircase. Luckily it was evening, and nearly everyone was gone for the day. She ended up on a different floor, at the door to Hikari’s office, to which she tentatively knocked.
“Come in,” Hikari called, and anxiously, she pushed open the door. “Saijou-san?”
Claudine sat down on the couch against the wall in Hikari’s office, her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands. For the second time that day, she found herself crying. She appreciated that Hikari didn’t try to comfort her, keeping a distance, and closing up her day’s work, handing her some tissues to wipe her face with.
“Want a cigarette?” Hikari asked. Strangely, Claudine remembered one of their first conversations together, smoking a cigarette at a fall afterparty.
“Sure,” she said, her tears ebbing after a few minutes. She wiped her face and followed Hikari to her miniscule balcony, the two of them standing in the dusk and leaning against the rail. She took the lit cigarette from Hikari and inhaled, calmed by the way the harsh smoke filled her throat and lungs.
Hikari exhaled, her icy blue eyes seeming to pierce her, demanding an explanation for her behavior. “I saw the article,” she said.
Claudine nodded. “But it’s not that. I mean. It is and it isn’t.” She took another breath, waiting to exhale before continuing. “Someone told me something that was a harsh truth, and I didn’t want to hear it. It hurt worse than those lies being published to the whole world.”
“Tendo Maya.”
Claudine blushed, but she had gotten this far, so she continued facing Hikari, neither confirming or denying the accusation. Instead, she asked a question. “What do you do when you can’t have something for yourself, but you don’t want to share it with anyone else, either?”
Now Hikari looked down, staring at the street below, as if she knew that her answer wouldn’t be something pleasant to listen to. “If something isn’t yours, then you really don’t have the right to decide who else gets access, right?” She stamped out the butt of the cigarette on the metal rail. “And if that something is a someone, then you really don’t get to decide that even after she’s ‘yours’.”
Claudine finished her own cigarette, turning away from Hikari. “God, I really am messed up, aren’t I?”
“No one is going to take anything from you unless you let them,” Hikari said, lighting a second cigarette and raising a brow at Claudine.
Before Claudine could ask for clarification, her cell phone rang. Futaba. She apologized for running off, and met up with Futaba and Maya in the lobby, averting her eyes from Maya. The security guards had gotten the crowd to dissipate, and a driver took them home properly this time, driving in a couple circles first to ensure they weren’t followed.
When they got home, Maya ordered take out, and they sat in the living room unsure how to approach the earlier argument. “I’m sorry,” Claudine said, her plastic bowl of noodles sitting in her lap. “What I said earlier. I meant it, but I got to thinking about it, and that’s a problem with me, I need to worry about myself, not about you.”
Maya took her time chewing, always cautious before she spoke. “Claudine, I appreciate that you are looking out for me. But just because you were hurt in the past, doesn’t mean everyone is out to get me all the time. And it doesn’t mean you can just… keep me in this purgatory.”
Claudine looked at Maya, trying to understand why she used such a strange word.
“I’m kept at an arms length, and you want me to ignore my fans too. I… I won’t be seeing Koharu for a while. It’s hard for me to work and be completely isolated.”
Claudine nodded, for the first time understanding a little bit of Maya’s struggle. Claudine might have her mother, Shizuha, Kyoko, Yachiyo, even Souda-sensei, but what of Maya? Who could she turn to? She wanted to reach out, to close the gap between their legs on the couch, but resisted, feeling weak and needy from Kirin’s stupid article. What might begin as an olive branch of physical contact would quickly turn into sex to drown out her bad day. Instead, she tried to verbalize what she was trying to communicate. “You can treat your fans how you’d like, I won’t interfere or nag you. As for us… my parents are in town this week. Would you like to come to lunch with me and meet them?”
“Sure, I’d like that,” Maya said, herself moving slightly closer.
After dinner, Claudine finally had time to call Akira, something she nearly forgot until she was checking text messages. “Yukishiro Akira, it’s been a while.”
“Thanks for calling, Saijou.”
Akira’s greeting was as curt as her text, but that was how she always had been. Not to mention Claudine suspected she wasn’t great at texting in the first place. “What’s up? It’s been a while.”
“It has. I was glad to see you back this year.”
“Thanks. And thank you for helping Shizuha with that stuff last month.” She remembered Akira had provided some witness accounts in the police reports she filed before the article was published, not that those amounted to anything.
“Of course. That’s actually why I’m calling.”
“Go on…”
“I haven’t told anyone about this before, not even Michiru, but I worked with him… Kirin… twice, when I was younger. I was too worried to say anything at the time, but after his article today, I can’t stay quiet any longer. He also… treated me… in a similar way.”